“In youth we learn; in age we understand.”
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
I took time yesterday to allow my body to collapse. Once again, I have run myself down and I am fighting off a cold or something. Now is not the time I need to be down, my moms surgery is Wednesday (fingers crossed) so I went to bed, to rest.
I did sleep a good bit but in the time that I would wake between naps, I was thinking about some things. I may say okay, my body needs to shut down my brain however does not listen.
This morning was one of those mornings when a ride on a crooked country road was required before facing another stressful week. Just to ride with the radio up too loud and thinking.
I live with worry, fear and anxiety. I have allowed what others think about how I live my life, my choices to taint my image of self. I am working on changing that.
I work with children before they enter the school system and during their school years. I see them as they change. I see as they have performance issues. They don’t test well, they don’t deal well with the stress that comes with testing. We are taught to be what others “expect” us to be and we begin to fear saying “I can’t do this”.
Only a couple of people in my life expect me to be “just me”. Others expect me to be more and I don’t test well. I can do things in my own time and in my own way but when you put me on the spot I freeze and then want to tell me how to do it their way. I know how to do it, I just don’t test well.
My person has taught me things and let me do them my way. He has learned that I have to do things the hard way first. Then I will do it the easy way. I will learn an easier method. I build from the ground up. He is patient and kind with me. I appreciate him for learning how I learn and adjusting his teaching method to my learning method. He has taught me many things this is just one of those life lessons.
I thought about my five year old great niece. She is so funny. She is so bossy. She is her own person and she is fighting to maintain ownership of herself in a world that is trying to tell her who to be. She, as most of us do, will lose that battle unless her learning method is supported.
I want to be like her again. I am sure I was once. I know life is meant to be enjoyed without fear. When you can tell someone how you feel (I love you, I miss you, I want you) without fear. We are here to love others. We are human souls who search out souls who share parts and pieces of our journey.
We were not born with fear and doubt, those are learned behaviors.
I am going to try to not let people put me into this imaginary box they have built for me.
We all are in search of our “authentic selves”, here is the thing…that self has been with us all along. We just kind of put it in a box and set it on a shelf, it is right there waiting…we have just forgotten where we left it.
I want to make the most of my life. I want to laugh and enjoy the time I have with others. I don’t want to seem like I am down all the time simply because I can’t meet others expectations.