I am struggling with me right now and I don’t know how to deal with it. So I am dealing with it the best I can. I am turning inward, which might not be the best idea but it is what is happening.
I recently stepped out of a position due to personality conflicts. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it right now.
There is a lot going on in my family with sickness and surgery and the people I love mean more to me than what my community “needs” from me right now. There are things I will fight for now, this was just not one of them so I stepped out. It has to be okay.
However, I am not a quitter. I feel like a quitter in this instance. I bailed. I couldn’t take the heat so I got out of the kitchen, the kitchen might have been burning down around me but I still got out. In this case I would say the kitchen was on fire when I walked in.
I know there is a difference in saving your sanity and quitting but I see it as quitting.
Maybe it’s that I feel like I have let others down. People who would not go out of their way to help me but yet I deal with the I let people down thing.
That is part of who I am. I make a commitment, I want to see it through.
After I decided to walk away, I heard a song by Big Daddy Weave, “My Story”.
It made me think about who I am. What is my story?
I was actually listening to it yesterday morning putting on my makeup. Looking into the mirror. Covering up what I see as flaws. Making the plain not so plain. It was actually what got this post brewing.
I am the girl who likes to look good, I would like for that one special person to tell me I look good, that’s all, just that one person.
Having said that (and feeling rather shallow doing so but feeling the need to be honest), I can also drive my SUV too fast on muddy road to get it to slide a little. I can wallow on the ground taking photos with my hair pulled back in a ponytail and be perfectly fine with that.
I like to hang out with old abandoned houses because I feel like they have a story to tell and I am supposed to keep them company and let them share their secrets with me. Then they will not be so lonely.
I like to make things. I like to work with my hands and put my mind to constructive things. I like to take what I see in my head and bring it into the real world, although, I don’t know exactly what to do with it when I get it here. I want to use what time I have here wisely and lovingly. I don’t want to waste a second not loving and living life to it’s full potential. If I do, then I am squandering one of God’s greatest gifts.
I am fearful most of the time. Did I do this wrong? Did I say that wrong? That didn’t come out my mouth like it was in my head. Will they understand what I was trying to say? At that point I go back and try to get them to understand. I over think EVERYTHING!!!
I can lose my temper when I feel like I am being accused or abused. When you push me hard enough, I will fight back. Yet, I will fight for those I love before I will fight for myself. They matter far much more to me than I do.
I am the girl who is terrified of silence. If I get silence, I get scared. Silence is death in my world. I know how silently death can creep in and carry people away. Rejection is also right up there.
I am far more intelligent than I give myself credit for. I do things the hard way. I fall on my face and I get up and I try again.
I am a dreamer. I have big dreams. I expect much more from myself than anyone will ever expect from me. I want to fly. I want to soar. I want to….. and I have faith that at the right time I will.
I am a woman who has desires. I don’t deny it anymore. I did at one time. I can’t anymore.
I am guarded. If you know my life you better believe you are in. It is not everybody I share my world with. You all get more insight to my life that most people who know my name.
I am strong but I have my breaking point. That is when I cry. When I start to break from the weight of the load I am carrying. I let it build up until the release valve opens and the tears start.
I hurt when I see other people hurt. There have been two tragedies in our community this week. I hurt. I haven’t said anything to anyone but I hurt for the families. I can’t say or do anything that will make it better but I can pray for them and I am.
I am me. I may not get it right as the world sees it but I am doing the best I can day by day, everyday.
That’s my story. It will never be a best selling biography. It may seem trivial to a great number of people but when I stand in that mirror and put on my face every morning I can look that girl in the eye and say go and do your best. When I take my makeup off at night I can look at that same girl and say you did the best you could with what you had today, what did you learn and how can you do better tomorrow.