To Tell You My Story…

I am struggling with me right now and I don’t know how to deal with it. So I am dealing with it the best I can. I am turning inward, which might not be the best idea but it is what is happening.

I recently stepped out of a position due to personality conflicts. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it right now.

There is a lot going on in my family with sickness and surgery and the people I love mean more to me than what my community “needs” from me right now. There are things I will fight for now, this was just not one of them so I stepped out. It has to be okay.

However, I am not a quitter. I feel like a quitter in this instance. I bailed. I couldn’t take the heat so I got out of the kitchen, the kitchen might have been burning down around me but I still got out. In this case I would say the kitchen was on fire when I walked in.

I know there is a difference in saving your sanity and quitting but I see it as quitting.

Maybe it’s that I feel like I have let others down. People who would not go out of their way to help me but yet I deal with the I let people down thing.

That is part of who I am. I make a commitment, I want to see it through.

After I decided to walk away, I heard a song by Big Daddy Weave, “My Story”.

It made me think about who I am. What is my story?

I was actually listening to it yesterday morning putting on my makeup. Looking into the mirror. Covering up what I see as flaws. Making the plain not so plain. It was actually what got this post brewing.

I am the girl who likes to look good, I would like for that  one  special person to tell me I look good, that’s all, just that one person.

Having said that (and feeling rather shallow doing so but feeling the need to be honest), I can also drive my SUV too fast on muddy road to get it to slide a little. I can wallow on the ground taking photos with my hair pulled back in a ponytail and be perfectly fine with that.

I like to hang out with old abandoned houses because I feel like they have a story to tell and I am supposed to keep them company and let them share their secrets with me. Then they will not be so lonely.

I like to make things. I like to work with my hands and put my mind to constructive things. I like to take what I see in my head and bring it into the real world, although, I don’t know exactly what to do with it when I get it here. I want to use what time I have here wisely and lovingly. I don’t want to waste a second not  loving and living life to it’s full potential. If I do, then I am squandering one of God’s greatest gifts.

I am fearful most of the time. Did I do this wrong? Did I say that wrong? That didn’t come out my mouth like it was in my head. Will they understand what I was trying to say? At that point I go back and try to get them to understand.  I over think EVERYTHING!!!

I can lose my temper when I feel like I am being accused or abused. When you push me hard enough, I will fight back. Yet, I will fight for those I love before I will fight for myself. They matter far much more to me than I do.

I am the girl who is terrified of silence. If I get silence, I get scared. Silence is death in my world. I know how silently death can creep in and carry people away. Rejection is also right up there.

I am far more intelligent than I give myself credit for. I do things the hard way. I fall on my face and I get up and I try again.

I am a dreamer. I have big dreams. I expect much more from myself than anyone will ever expect from me. I want to fly. I want to soar. I want to….. and I have faith that at the right time I will.

I am a woman who has desires. I don’t deny it anymore. I did at one time. I can’t anymore.

I am guarded. If you know my life you better believe you are in. It is not everybody I share my world with. You all get more insight to my life that most people who know my name.

I am strong but I have my breaking point. That is when I cry. When I start to break from the weight of the load I am carrying. I let it build up until the release valve opens and the tears start.

I hurt when I see other people hurt. There have been two tragedies  in our community this week. I hurt. I haven’t said anything to anyone but I hurt for the families. I can’t say or do anything that will make it better but I can pray for them and I am.

I am me. I may not get it right as the world sees it but I am doing the best I can day by day, everyday.

That’s my story. It will never be a best selling biography. It may seem trivial to a great number of people but when I stand in that mirror and put on my face every morning I can look that girl in the eye and say go and do your best. When I take my makeup off at night I can look at that same girl and say you did the best you could with what you had today, what did you learn and how can you do better tomorrow.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s