Just When You Feel Liking Giving Up…

I am frustrated. I have allowed myself to be pushed around yet again. I have thrown up my hands on one project I have been involved in simply because the negativity of the person I was working with. You wanna do it all yourself? Knock yourself out .

I am frustrated with myself. I want things to happen now and I know that now might not be the time. I am working hard and trying to make things happen and it simply isn’t. I am learning new things and changing things up but it doesn’t seem to be working for me. I know that life is organic and it changes daily. At some point, the things I am working on could just burst open and I would be right where I want to be, doing just what I want to be doing. Now is just not that time.

I know that when the time comes, I will be prepared to handle it.

Right now, I am in that waiting place. I am there so much, I should give it a name, like Idleville or Waitsboro.

I work while I am in the waiting place. I have fun while I am doing it. I am getting antsy wanting it to happen.

I get frustrated.

I want to see things grow and change. I want to see it branch out like limbs from a tree going in all different directions. I am a Gemini and that’s how we see things. We see every possible case. Good or bad, we know it can go all kinds of different directions. We overthink it. We have 15 plans for one problem.

Also being an ambivert with introverted tendencies, I tend to clam up. I will work out each circumstance in my head before I open my mouth and I will lay the facts on the table when the time is right.

So right now, some things are amiss and I am planning. I am quite. Only talking to a couple of people and really not saying anything about what is eating on my soul. Not because I don’t want to share it but simply because I don’t know how.

I realized how stressed I was yesterday after I had a couple of chest pains after a conversation. I never said a word about it to anyone. Not the person, not the mom, not the best friend, not the co-workers. What was the point??  I knew, okay, I was pretty sure it was stress and anxiety. It was also a call to me to chill a bit. So I went for a short walk and reminded myself to breathe. You only got one shot at life. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Then this happened….

As I was sitting at work, I got a phone call and a lady said “I just want to you to know how proud I am of the work you are doing. You are doing some good things.”

She was one of my former teachers. She didn’t have to say that. It is nice when people on the outside notice what you do, even when the people on the inside take you for granted.


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