I Really Don’t Know What I Feel Sometimes…

Do you ever find yourself in a place where you don’t know how you feel about you???

I am there now. I am trying to journal and get to the root of what is bothering me. It isn’t working. I can’t talk to even those closest to me about it, because I don’t know how to put it into words.

I am a mess right now. I admit it. I can’t seem to win for losing. I just wander around myself trying to figure out who or what I am.

I know a couple of things that are bothering me, I however am bottling those up right now. One is that my mom’s surgery is coming up and the other is that my anniversary is coming up. Some days you just don’t forget. Do you give voice to them??

I am struggling with me right now. I can’t explain it.

The voices in my head are not helping. There are screaming how I am not enough…..not enough for my family, not enough for my church, not enough for my person, not enough for my employer, not enough for my friends, not enough as an artist or photographer. Just not enough. Period!!

I want to be seen as a “good woman” yet I want to feel like I am a desirable creature. I am a woman, we want to feel like we are desired. I don’t want to be seen just as physically desirable but also mentally and emotionally. Those two thing probably mean more to me, without a strong mind and a good heart what good is a physical attraction??

I am struggling with sleeplessness again. I don’t talk about it. I am staying up way to late doing battle with these dragons that visit me when the lights go out.

I am happy yet I am battle weary trying to be happy. There are days I just sit down and have a good cry due to physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. I try to put on the public face that I am okay. when there are times I am so not okay.

Sometimes I want someone to grab me and hug me tight and say I know you are not okay and for now that is alright.  I want to be told that I am good enough, that I am loved, that I am safe.

I want someone to tell me that I am good for something other than being a door stop, which is what I feel like at the moment. I want to live, I mean truly live, without fear before I die.

Today there was a conversation and someone said… Be who you are. I totally agree with that and as soon as the self doubt and fear subside, maybe, just maybe, I will know who that is .


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