Last night, I was thinking about my grandmothers. Usually one of them will sneak into my thoughts. Yesterday was one of those days they were both hanging out with me.
I would like to be able to sit down and talk to them both for a while.
My maternal grandmother made her transition 36 years ago. I was 11. Her leaving her physical house started my binge eating. I was trying to fill the gaping hole in my life that the woman, who petted me like there was no other child on the planet, left.
It didn’t work.
She never held a public job. She worked hard for her family. Her mother and her mother in law lived with her along with her husband and her five children.
She lived on a shoestring budget and she had good old common horse sense. She wasn’t a fashion plate. She was basically raised by her father because of her mother being hospitalized because she was epileptic.
I look at one of my great nieces and I see in her wavy hair and her build this is what I am sure my grandma looked like as a little girl.
My paternal grandmother transitioned 22 years ago. I was a newlywed and looking back at my wedding photos you can see how sick she was. She had leukemia
I live in the same house where she made that transition. She was the one my cooking gene came from. She could cook anything. She worked for others cleaning and cooking. She also had five children and although I love my grandfather, he could be a difficult man.
I was the person in the family who stayed with her most after he passed away.
I was the person that she could joke around with, because some of her off color jokes would have sent her children into panic.
I would like to sit with them for just a while. I wouldn’t bother them for long. I would just like to ask them a few questions. Had they been happy raising their children and watching them grow? Is there anything they would have changed? What would they have done differently? Did they have any regrets? Lastly, I would ask them if they were proud of me as a human being, as a woman, as hopefully a mentor to there seed, these young ladies who were born to the children of their children’s children.
I know it not possible this side of Heaven to sit down and have that talk. I do feel that if I silence the noise in my head and listen very carefully with my heart, they might just whisper the answer. I just need to listen.