This post has been several days in the making.
Not sure how exactly to start so I’ll just start.
Thursday, I saw three little girls walk into a room and do something they had never done before. I saw the fear in their eyes and yet the were unstoppable. They knew what they wanted and they went for it. They sewed baby doll clothes. With the help of someone they instantly trusted to help them. It made my heart full to watch them and their teacher.
Saturday, I was invited to a party. Not by the people throwing the party, by someone attending the party. I declined. I don’t do the party thing. I don’t drink. No, thanks. So she asked me if I wanted to go to her house and have a glass of wine. Ummmm… I don’t drink. No thanks!!! My co-worker finally looked at me and said but I don’t want you to be alone.
Well, that hurt. I cried. I know better than anyone that I come home to an empty house every night. I don’t need to be reminded of that fact.
I gave up and decided to come home. That was when my mom called. I had hoped to make a new memory, it didn’t happen. I went to the same place I had gone for years.
So Sunday, I hibernated from the world. There was one person I talked to after coming home from church. I cooked, I tried a new recipe, I did laundry. I was content in my own little bubble. I worked on something new I am learning.
It is something I have been learning for a while. I was combining two different pieces of computer code. One was light. The other was a button that would control the light. A basic on and off thing. Should have been easy. Each individual part was, then there was combining the two. You see what coming…right???
It is learning to speak a different language for me. I am learning. I am trying to pick up things as I go along. I am figuring out to make the connection. I have learned that taking notes, asking questions, taking risks, and asking for help are not a bad thing. ( I don’t like asking for help, but sometimes it is necessary.)
I am also learning to be patient with myself. I am patient with other people, not that I am a pushover but I am patient. I am not so patient with myself. I don’t look at the fact that I am doing something new, I get some things right. All I see all those nagging things I have done wrong.
There was time in my life that I would just throw my hands up and say I can’t!!!! I am not that way so much any more. I can….. I can do lots of things well. I can do things that I struggle at, I just need to figure out how to make it click for me. I can be happy in the fact that I am brave enough to do something new even if I don’t get it right the first time or the sixteenth, I am trying and not letting the fact that I struggle defeat me.
Here is the wall I ran into on Sunday, that carried over into Monday.
I could get one piece of the puzzle to fit, I could get another piece of the puzzle to fit, the problem was that I couldn’t get the whole thing in place. I was programming for the trigger action not the end effect. I should have been thinking about the end effect.
Looking back on it now, I made it much harder than it had to be. I overthought it once again. I went against what my gut told me to do and I circled around it time and again.
I know where I messed it up. I did more wrong than I did right but I tried something new and I fell on my face. The good thing is that I walked away from it learning more than I knew going in.
Life is all about learning lessons. You can make them painful or you can have fun when you are falling. You have solve the puzzle one piece at a time. You don’t pour the pieces onto the table and them all fall right into place. You can adjust as you go along. It’s all good. Just make sure you get up knowing that unless you fall over a cliff into a deep ravine, you can always stand up and go again.
Can’t should no longer be a part of my vocabulary. In the past decade, I have learned that there are many things I thought I couldn’t do, I did them. Some things I never wanted to do but had to, some things I want to do now but it takes some time to learn. I can do many things now, I wasn’t “naturally born” to do, I had to learn them.
It is much easier to go with the flow of your life than to resist the change that is most assuredly going to come.
Lessons are there to make us stronger, to make us wiser, to make us complete.