Some nights are longer than others. Last night was one of those nights. In the past, when I rolled and tumbled there was someone there in the house to ask me what was wrong. I could talk to someone about what was needling me.
Now, the nights I can’t sleep, when I have too much on my mind or a plan is in the hatching process, I roll and tumble and at times get on my own nerves. Right now I currently have three things I am working on..okay, I have them started and can’t seem to figure out how to take the next step with any of them so my thoughts flit and flutter to each and at night, I have more time to think about them.
I have made some progress with the most major project I am working on. I am excited about that. There is some writings I am working on and a painting I have started and after my early morning drive, I think I know the direction I want to go with that.
Nights do get so long though. You are in the house by yourself. You lay down thinking you have worked so physically hard that you can sleep that there is no way you can’t sleep and that is when your mind goes everywhere. If you are not careful, that is when the negative committee works overtime.
Every thought you have, they tell you why it won’t work, they tell you that you are not good enough, that you don’t measure up. At that point you remind yourself that you are not in a race with anyone other than yourself.
There was a time when I would get on social media and announce that it was yet another sleepless night hoping someone else out there was feeling what I was enduring. I would look at the world wide digital scrap book and post things on that page. It was something to pass time.
Now, I don’t get up and go to the couch, which was what I did for three years when the bed would seem huge. I lay there, I listen to classical music, I write, I plan, I dream. My bed is where I do the majority of my writing.
I make use of those lost hours of sleep. There is a reason why my mind is so busy at night and if I put my time to something positive then the negative committee seems to get drowned out.
Last night, I worked on my writings til the wee hours of the morning. I went to that place I go when I need to escape the worry, pain and down right lunacy of the “real world”.
I go to that place where I am happy, safe and somewhat more daring than I allow myself to be in real life. I take chances there that I am afraid to take in real life. And I don’t know when anyone will ever read them.
The nights do get long, I can lay there and cry, I can get in the car and ride around in the middle of the night or I can put my time to good use. Meanwhile, the world around me sleeps and unless you pass by my house, you would never know.