I felt it coming. I tried to keep busy. I was writing in my journal that no others eyes have seen besides mine. My person is the only other human who knows what I write in “my journal”. He has never seen this one. This one is where I keep my deepest desires written down. I want him to read it but I have to get up the courage to open let’s just say, a part of myself that nobody expects to be there.
I hadn’t slept well. I have a great many things to deal with. There was no one here to talk with. I prayed and finally fell asleep.
I woke up in a good mood but was tired. Then as I was listening to some relaxation music and writing what I was seeing in my head, I felt it approach. Keep writing Go flip the laundry. Call someone.
Now was not the time. I was just getting to the best part of what I was seeing in my head.
The breathing became labored. My pulse rate was up. At one point I had to remind myself to take a breath.
I was having a panic attack. They suck. I haven’t had one in a while. I ran out onto my carport which was made of cement and hoped it would help me catch my breath. I splashed cold water on my face. Nothing worked.
I just had to let it play out. Here is what people don’t realize about a panic attack, you feel like it could literally kill you.
Worries of life, work and family issues had just taken hold of me and somewhere deep inside me although the was NOT what I was thinking about in the moment got to my core.
I had to escape my own home I went to a place where I felt safe. Okay, maybe driving wasn’t the best idea I could have had, but I had to get out of the house.
It has passed. I knew it would, I just had to survive until it did.
Now life will return to normal, whatever that is.
Wasn’t exactly how I had hoped to end my vacation. My wish was to have a sunrise picnic with the one person who makes my heart smile. Once again, I was afraid to ask for what I want.