So Close to My Goal….

My goal is to lose 15 pounds in 20 days.

I started on May 2nd and my birthday is May 22nd.

I am so close that I can taste it. I have only given up a couple things to make this happen. I have not been unhealthy trying to lose the weight. I have just kept myself busy. I had somewhat gotten lazy.

Apparently, some have noticed. They have told me how good I look. I was just in the grocery store and someone told me how good I looked. I teared up….for a couple of reasons.

One, I struggle with my weight. I always have. I started putting on weight when my grandmother passed away. I was eating to fill a need for the love she provided. I don’t need to do that so much now. There was a gaping hole in my heart when at the age of 10, my grandmother who had petted me to death was ripped from my life in the middle of the night.

When my late husband passed away, the opposite happened. I quit eating completely. Friends would take me out to eat and force feed me basically. They knew I was “broken”, that I didn’t care if I lived or died. Eating didn’t matter so much.

I have noticed patterns. I am still a stress eater. Let me get bored or angry, I will clean out the kitchen.

So I have to be mindful of that.

At my heaviest point, I was climbing towards 400 pounds. Never really put that one out there before.  I am not proud of this fact. I am no where near that now. I won’t give a number.  I will say this, I have lost enough to equal the weight of an average person height. The good news is that I have kept off what I lost.

Once, a few months after my husband transitioned, a lady walked up to me and told me that I had lost enough weight to “find a man”.

Well, here is what I have to say to that, if a man cares solely about the size of my jeans and not the size of my heart or my depth of my thirst for knowledge. If he doesn’t want to know me from the inside out.  He isn’t for me anyway.

Secondly, Yes, I want to be told, by the right person, that I look good. That he finds me attractive just as I am. The me that no one else ever took the time to get to know. There is only one person I want to hear this from. He doesn’t say it.

I am thankful when other people notice the work I have put in to this silly goal I have set for myself.  I did say silly. I should have just set a small goal, which is how I have lost the weight this far. Small goals lead to big gains. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  That is the way life works. You take baby steps if you need to. Just keep moving forward. Sometimes when you set those mountainous goals, you wind up being disappointed in yourself.

I say it is a silly goal for the following reason….I tied it to my birthday. If I hadn’t met my goal, I would have been disappointed when that day came around. I want my birthday to be something I celebrate not a day of disappointment.

I will reach and possibly surpass that goal simply because I have reminded myself of the things I already knew. Now, if I can convince the “old” me to quit showing up, that would be awesome, but maybe she comes to visit me to remind me just exactly how far I have come.


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