Today, I was sitting at my desk and a sweet lady came to me and told me her husband was dying.
We had a nice long talk. This lady is very well educated and has traveled much. She told me that if he died today she would have no regrets. They decided long ago to make every minute together count. I should know this, I do know this, yet when I have a chance to do something I have been wanting to do forever. I can’t find those 20 seconds of insane courage.
I wimp out. I am as spineless as a jellyfish and as smooth as a cactus.
Tonight once again, i had the chance to just reach over and take him by the hand. We were walking alone and all I had to do was reach over and take it. Did I??? NO!!!!!
Why??? He has stood by me through all my crazy. He has held me when I was crying over my late husband. Yet I am afraid to reach over and take his hand.
This is one of the most simple gestures of affection that one can do, yet I am scared.
What am I scared of? I can’t answer that because I honestly don’t know the answer to that. I think it is that if take hold of it, I will never want to let go Maybe I am afraid he will reject me. I honestly don’t know. I can’t tell him this. I can talk to him about everything else but I can’t tell him this.
So tonight, as we parted ways, I was yelling at myself for not having a backbone.
To most this would be the simplest of tasks, to me I am afraid. I will at some point, find the courage I need. It just isn’t going to be today.