Trying to Love Myself…

I didn’t want to title this blog in this manner but I felt like it was required.

I have a birthday coming up soon. I will be turning another year older and for some reason, the years ending in 7 (ie 27, 37, 47) are worse for me. This year will be 47. I am seeing every flaw. I have given myself the next 20 days to loose 15 pounds.

I have actually set two goals for this time period. Had my chance at the other one yesterday and blew it.

I don’t know why I can’t love myself for who I am. I do and I don’t. This goes a long way back when I was fat in high school. Nobody ever saw me as good enough and I allowed those words to take root.

I was loved once for who I was. He tried for 18 and 1/2 years to tell me that I was beautiful. I blew it off. Now I wish I hadn’t. Can’t change it now.

So I still strive for what I think “beautiful” is.

I worry. That is another thing I want to work on in this next year. I am like this little cartoon character who stands around with a teeny tiny umbrella waiting for a safe to fall on their head. It is not a fun way to live. When things are going well, I worry about what I am going to do to mess it up.

Then the anxiety works it’s way in and finally out. I am in that place now. Just the smallest thing and I automatically think the worst. My best friend tells me I need to stop it. I do know however that when my late husband would go quite, I was somehow at fault and he was giving me time to figure out what I had done. To me silence means death in more ways than one. This carries over.

When people go “quite”, I get worried and my first question is “What did you do this time?”. I am sure it is me. That I have screwed up again.

This is something I need to learn may not be true. Sometimes people are just quite, busy in their own minds, with their own projects, doing their own thing. They very well may not be mad at me. They could be mad at me. I don’t know because they are not speaking. This is the logic I use.

There are times that I do this very thing, where I disappear to everyone except to a select few. They are the people I want to keep in contact with.  The people who mean something in my life. I am in that place right now. There are only 3 people I want to be in contact with right now. My person, my best friend and my mom.

I am dieting again, The plan is to walk my legs off until my birthday.Watch every bite I eat until then. I have set a pretty big goal in a short time. I may or may not reach it. I will try.

I am trying to love me with all my bulges, wrinkles and insecurities. Trying to overcome a lifetime is not so easy!!!


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