Sometimes You Just Dread Going to Bed

Being that woman of a certain age, I have figured out that some of my anxiety is due to “going through the change”.

Last night was a night filled with the bad dreams I had hoped I had gotten past.

I have kind of kept a record of how the bad dreams correlate with my cycle. I have noticed that they tend to run hand in hand.

It is a dream mixed with things I wish I could forget and me running from something that I am not even sure what it is.

I wake up from these dreams alone, lonely and scared. There is no one around and no one is available at 2:30 in the morning.

You settle your nerves and try to rest. You can’t go back to sleep right away and you really don’t want to start anything so you just lay.

You just think, you wish that the one special person you want was there to hold you and calm your fears. They, however, are not.

So, you do everything you can to relax, to get sleepy again and hopefully have a better dream.

Today I was extremely busy and right at the last minute, Staff asking me questions they should have asked me earlier in the day, my dad on the phone asking me questions I don’t know the answers to and my tribe was coming in. I need to be present in the moment.

I had a panic attack. I went outside to breathe for a few minutes then I sat down and wrote what I was feeling in my journal.

Then my dad called again. I finally turned the sound off on my phone so that I could try to get in the groove.

Well, while the phone was turned down, my best friend tried to called to talk to a member of the group and I missed it. She had to call the business phone.

I didn’t do a great deal at the meeting tonight. I worked on learning how to sew on a simple sewing machine.

Then the cold set in. I was freezing. I know it was nerves. All I could think about was I am going to have to go to sleep soon. Not many people dread going to sleep, I will for the next few days.

I try to keep in mind that I am “going through” the change. I am not unpacking and staying here.


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