Last night, I came home from work and that is when it happened.
I make it a point to never look too closely in the mirror. Sometimes, I see a reflection of the girl who used to be. She still resides in me with her hurts that have never been fully mended although some have tried, she has never fully healed from the hurtful words she heard as a young woman.
As I changed from my work clothes into what I was sleeping in, I saw her. She was still the fat girl. No one wanted her. She was not an object of desire.
Although, I knew better, I had been desired at least once in my life, she would not go away.
She is still hanging around today. She will be here for a while, I need to nurse her and remind her that they were just boys who didn’t realize how their words cut her heart and made her bleed. I need to cry for her and with her. She needs kindness right now, not me telling her that she has to move past it.
I should tell her that those arrows and cruel words she has endured has made me able to be the woman I am today. That there is beauty and desire in me that nobody could see in her. I just wish she could see it for herself. She spent all her life with her nose in a book to escape. She never allowed herself to have some of the adventures I have had thanks to her.
She should not look at herself with shame. She should look at herself with a pride that she is paving the way for who I am to become.
She hasn’t been around in a while. Not sure why she showed up now. I am sure there is a reason. I will figure it out, in time. So, for now, I love her and remind her that all is not lost. I’ll be really quite until she can settle. Don’t let anyone know right now that we are in this place.
Maybe it wasn’t a mistake after all, maybe she was sent to remind me to be proud of the woman I have become, thanks to and in spite of her.