I am not a person who speaks my feeling easily. Sometimes, it has been very painful to admit my feelings. I fear I will be rejected.
I admit that. I see all my flaws. I know I am not a teenager anymore. I know I am not the size of a fashion model. I know I have crazy ideas. One in particular come to mind. I also know that when I say something it comes from my heart.
When I tell you I love you, I do not use those words gingerly. I say that to only people who matter to me. My family, a couple of friends and my person (but not often enough with him, I don’t want it just to be something I say. I want him to know that I mean it). I know what those words mean. I don’t use them cavalierly at all.
My love is not conditional. I am not a what’s in it for me kind of person. If I love you, I will try to move Heaven and Earth for you.
How do I look at him and say, I want you to pull me to you and kiss me so hard that it would make Rhett Butler and Scarlet O’Hara look like they just met? How do I say reach out and take my hand. Hold it tight and never let it go.
I can’t. So I wish. I hope. I pray.
Being the person I am, I have had to fight reaching over and taking his hand. I am brave enough to think about it. Just not brave enough to do it.
We were talking today about the chances I have taken in Chapter 2 of my life.
In Chapter One of my life. I was content with sitting around. My nose was usually stuck in some book. I wasn’t one to get out in the yard unless I was mowing. I didn’t go exploring like I do now. I didn’t do any sort of artistic things. I was a comfortable sloth.
In Chapter two, I love the great outdoors. I love to go to an abandoned lodge and lay down under a tree and just look up at a beautiful blue sky. Just because. I want to be outside moving and exploring.
I now have a living room that looks like a craft supply store and I am willing to play with and learn new things.
Yet there is this one part of my life that scares the crap out of me. How do I make him understand that I am a woman who knows the value of the two most important things on the planet, love and time.
I guess I have thought more about it since my cousin’s diagnosis of leukemia. It could be me going through the suffering she is going through. I could drop dead just any moment. I am not promised another breathe. What if I never see him again? Will he know the depth of my love for him. I can’t answer that question. All I can do is be who I am and love the best way I know how.