Made You Flinch….

Today started out as a perfectly normal day. I got to sleep in and I decided to go up on the mountain to write.

 I have recently started to turn my cell phone off, this day, for some reason I didn’t.

My phone rang and I knew the area the caller was calling from.

I answered it and I wasn’t ready for what I was going to hear. It was my cousin. She is 5 days older than I am. Not 5 months, not 5 years, 5 days. This matters.

We didn’t grow up together. She always lived seven hours drive away. We have had our bouts of disagreement. Pretty verbal disagreement. In the last four years though, we have grown closer.

When I answered the phone, she told me who she was and asked how I was doing. I said I am good, how are you? She said hanging in there. Then she started to cry. She has been in the hospital since Sunday.

She stalled out and then she said, they are 99% sure I have leukemia.They are doing a bone marrow biopsy on me this afternoon. She made me flinch. Our paternal grandmother was taken from us in this manner.

She is a wife. She is a mother of six. She homeschools her children. She is a business woman. She actually has several successful businesses. She has leukemia. She is five days older than me and the same blood running through her veins runs through mine.

The conversation went on. She said Can you have your daddy call me? I need to borrow your daddy for a little bit. I told her I would have him call her as soon as I could.

Then she asked me a question that I have no answer to, “They can treat this right? Things have improved since grandma had it?” I don’t have an answer for that question. I told her that she was a fighter and God was watching over her. That was the only answer I could give her.

I don’t know the answer. She has seen the effects that the treatments for the horrific diseases have on people. In my family alone we have lost my grandmother, an aunt, two uncles and my late husband to cancer, in that order.

I don’t know how this will turn out. I had no answer. I felt helpless and hopeless. So, I walked. That is what I do. When I don’t know what else to do, I walk. I felt so alone. I need someone to hold me in their arms if but for a moment. I need to feel safe. I felt alone. There is no other word for it. So, I did something I never do. I asked for help.

The rest of the day I spent working. Until now, I have not stopped moving. I got more done at work today than I have in many days, I have gotten more done around my house than I have in weeks and I edited photos for a display I am doing soon.

I was just burning up energy. I was doing anything to keep my mind busy, just so I wouldn’t think about it.

I flinched, I walked, I ran, I worked, I still don’t have an answer.


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