I am weary. I am soul weary. By the end of the week, I want to lay down and cry. That is certainly no way to live.
Today started out strangely. My water pump messed up so I had to go to my parents to take my shower and get dressed for the day. It felt odd after 20 some years getting ready to face the day in the home I grew up in.
I looked at the pictures on the wall. The last time I did this, there were photos of me and my sister hanging there on the wall and a life size poster of Don Johnson (of Miami Vice fame) hanging on my closet door.. Now three generations of offspring grace the walls of my parents home. Some of which were taken by me and Don well, he is just a memory now.
I went back to the days when I would be getting ready for dates. I remembered how on the evening of my first date with my late husband, I sprayed my hair with hairspray and it turned completely white. I told my mom to call him and tell him not to even bother coming. That God didn’t want me to have a man.
My dirty clothes went in the same spot they were put when I was growing up and I thought about the one major altercation my mom and I had when I was going to declare my independence at the age of 10. I also remembered how she nipped that in the bud. Although different, my morning was off to a good start.
As I was sitting there, trying to talk myself into going to work, my mom offered to fix me breakfast. I told her I was fine.
Driving to work, I had an amazing view. Even stopped and got a few photos.
Then I went there…. (insert the gloom and doom music here). I am at the point that I feel so unappreciated and under valued that I just don’t care anymore. I don’t like being like that. Glory hounds and veiled threats at the point get you nothing from me but my disgust.
I have been working on something for months. NOBODY else there has lifted a finger to help. Then they want to come in and make their demands on me and tell me that “I didn’t go out and do this on my own”….No, I sure didn’t but your uppity butt ain’t lifted a finger to help me. I have stressed myself out beyond measure making sure several things ran smoothly so you can focus on one thing and you want a freaking merit badge because you did your job??
I don’t normally rant on here but at some point you have to have a release. This is not how I would choose to do this but when you live alone, yelling at yourself is useless.
I needed to be ALONE!!! I wasn’t fit to be around humans. I went to my usual walking/hiking places and there were people. Went to three different locations. People!!! I wanted to deal with what I was feeling. So I went to the car wash, I sat in the automatic car wash and I cried. Nobody could see me there. Nobody would ask me what was wrong.
I know this road where the bridge was out and there is no traffic going through. I went there. As usual, when I wanted peace I went to water. I walked for almost 2 hours. I watched the water and it went around rock much higher than the stream. It didn’t let running into something much bigger than it stop it from reaching the river where it was headed. I watched it for the longest time. I study nature a lot!! These things survive, facing obstacles and going around, under or through them to reach their destination.
I want to be like that. It is tough though when you are so beat down that someone who was doing a presentation and you had simply hooked up a projector for them comes and says thank you, if you hadn’t been here today, I don’t know what I would have done. With those words, because they were said with such kindness, you burst into tears. You have about had all you can stand.
I will be like the water I studied today. I will keep my focus on the end goal. I will not let other’s egos and glory seeking prevent me from reaching that place where I am supposed to be, They are just making it easier for me to make that happened because when I am determined I can be a force to be reckoned with.