Sometimes I Wonder….

I think about my own mortality a great deal. I guess I do this because I have lost so many people.

I ponder what the world would be like if I was no longer here. Would the world notice my absence. I guess it boils down to have I made a difference

I try on a daily basis, to make a positive impact on those around me. I have from time to time been referred to as a “Pollyanna” or a “Mary Poppins” and it was meant as a slur. That’s fine. Others can suck on sour grapes if they choose. I tend to look for the positive in life.

This was on my mind on Saturday. What would the world be like if there were no me. Not that I want to go anywhere right now. I don’t. I just know that some day my number will come up.

I had been out of town and took the scenic route home, gotten some photos and I stopped by to see my great nieces. Hadn’t seen them in a few days.

The little one who is 4 now, ran to the door, went back through the house screaming that I was there and took a running tackle at me as I came through the door.

She had missed me. She wasn’t afraid to show me that she missed me a lot and that she loved me. Oh to be 4 again.

That age where the filter hasn’t engaged yet. Where you openly show someone how much you love them. Without fear of rejection. Yesterday I wanted to tell someone I had missed them because I hadn’t seen them since last Monday. I didn’t. When I am near them, I have to hide the physical reaction my body is having. I cross my arms for a couple of reasons. One of which is habit, the other ….

There have been times when the filter has been down and I have word vomited all over him, telling him the deepest desires of my heart. Then, I retreat. I run back to the safe zone. I get scared. I go back to that place of comfort. He scares me, but in a good way.

I want to be brave and take that next step. I want to just say here is how I feel and stand there. Not say it and then tear apart every word I said and how stupid I sounded. I want to walk up and say I want to hear your heart beat. I want to know you are real.

I have determined that in the lives of some little people around the area, I have made a difference and made them feel loved. Maybe somewhere along the way I have done something right. Maybe I won’t have to hire mourners for my funeral after all.

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