Who I am and why…..

It is a Tuesday morning. It is snowing soft flakes outside my window. I look momentarily out the window and see the beauty that this blanket of snow splays along the landscape. My mind and heart wander to somewhere else not so far away.  It is my morning off. I should be sleeping. My brain however takes over.

My brain never truly shuts down. Even in my physical sleep, the earliest human computer, the brain, works. It make awaken me in the middle of the night with a new idea. It may recall some of the worst moments of my journey to where I am now, that I have truly never dealt with and there is no way for me to say how it made me feel now. It brings up questions that still go unanswered. Questions there will never be an answer to. It gets worse this time of year. Now through March 5th will be tough days. I will spend a good deal of that time in thought. I will be quieter.  I will be “weird”.

So this morning, this beautiful snowy morning, when I could be sleeping. I am going through mounds of research. I have been collecting research on something for about 2 years. As a librarian, I can research almost any subject. You might actually call it  a job hazard. I will wade through it, picking out the pertinent information and ignoring the fluff.

I have never told anyone what I am researching. Even my nearest and dearest don’t know about this. No, you won’t know what it is either. It is to help me understand me. I have looked at heredity. It is something even more deeply ingrained than that.

Being alone, I have learned that I am the way I am for a reason. It is funny, as I have been reading though some of this stuff, I see phrasing that I say, Oh my, I might have said it differently but now I know why I said it. This is me.

It is part of the getting to know me as me, not as who everyone sees or thinks they see because I can count on one hand, the people who get to see the real me. My person, my best friend, my mom (who knows without me even saying). The me who doesn’t understand why she is walking this path that life has given her. The me who feels like everyone else can do it better and faster. The me who longs to be more than she is today. I don’t ever want to become stagnant. I always want to keep learning and growing. I want to try new things. I want to be bold and adventurous.

That starts with me. I can never be adequately of service to others until I understand me and why I do things the way I do.

So for now, I will study, I will research, I will adjust my wings so that I can fly to unknown heights.


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