Sorry I haven’t dropped by to visit you all in a while. I have needed some time turn inward. There are things I want to share with the world. There are things I would like to scream from the housetop but I can’t. There are also things I don’t want to share with the world. This is when I write in my journal. A LOT!!! I take pen in hand and I write until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Until what is worrying me, hurting me, stressing me comes pouring out. Then and only then can I start to plan. I am very good at hiding what is bothering me. I only talk to a couple of people that I trust implicitly about it. Otherwise, I face each day with a smile on my face and from time to time a scream stuck in my throat.
I have decided that for a while, I may communicate with you all through photographs until I can work through some stuff.
When life beats you down, that is when the devil comes in and makes a mole hill look like a mountain and that is when your faith is tested. Just last evening, I came home, ate a bowl of cereal and laid down in my bed.
Tears were streaming down my face and I was so broken. I laid here and I cried out to God. Telling him what was hurting and telling him that I do not understand. Admitting what was in my heart, cause he already knows. I also told him that I may not know his plan, but I trust him for he cares for me even more than I care for myself. That no matter how alone I felt in that moment, and I will admit, I felt very alone. I knew he was right here with me.
Sometimes in life, it just seems like your best isn’t good enough. It seems like the more you try the less you are appreciated. So I start looking at what I am doing wrong. It is always my fault. Then the thinking and studying becomes over thinking and over analyzing. Rather than saying Listen, I can’t do it all, I do it all anyway. I put all the pressure on myself. I am burning out.
So today, I took a walk. I haven’t had much time lately to take a walk. I just got out and enjoyed some fresh air. I enjoyed a blue sky and yes I even enjoyed the crisp winter air on my face. I felt at peace even if only for a few minutes.