Well here I am again. Stretched to the point of breaking. My work load is getting so heavy I am not able to bear it anymore. Some would call what I have a “pie job”. You know one of those jobs where is it all gits and shiggles and you go home at the end of the day feeling fresh as a daisy. Well, let them walk a mile in my moccasins for a little while.
There are 4 major projects between now and the end of March. I have been in meetings all last week, Two days this week and so far two days next week.
Yesterday, I read a story to the children about a little boy who stretched a rubber band to the moon. It started out with him walking and he took various forms of transportation until he reached the moon.
Last night, it hit me like a brick. I painted. I needed that calming feeling. I didn’t log on to my computer. I just worked on the painting. Then I realized that I was stressing over the painting. I need this one to be amazing. It is a gift. Shhhhh…don’t tell anybody it’s a secret.
So finally I went and laid down on my bed. I prayed, cried, prayed, cried, prayed some more. Finally, I said God I am done. I need you to carry this burden for a while. I need peace. I need sleep. God wrap me in your arms.
Some things are out of my control. There are things I can’t fix. It isn’t up to me. It is up to me how I react to them.
Here is a good example, when I was fixing my dinner this evening, consisting of oatmeal, toast and a banana. While the water was boiling I couldn’t stop moving. I poured the oatmeal into the bowl, peeled my banana and started eating it while I was putting the toast in the toaster. I poured myself a soda and was buttering the toast while the soda settled in the glass.
When I realized what I was doing, I made myself stop. I can’t be stretched to the moon. I have to take care of me. For those people I love, my person, my family, my best friend, my kiddos. I simply have to take care of me.
If it means sleeping when I am not working, prayer and meditation, painting, crying to let out some of the built up stress that is coming between me and them, I need to do it. I find I become quite testy when I am stretched.
A friend told me today as we were having our daily powwow that he felt like I was giving up on myself. I just looked at him. I couldn’t really deny that. He told me that I was trying to carry too much of the load instead of allowing God to work things out in his time. Couldn’t deny that one either. So once again I cried and I prayed. I asked God to show me if all these years of work were for nothing or if I had truly impacted anyone at all.
After this, my supervisor and I were talking and I finally broke down and told her how I was feeling. How it felt like nobody NEEDED me. That if I dropped dead, the world would continue to go on as it is right now. It may come from being needed so much in chapter one of my life that now, I still don’t know what to do. I told her that much of the time I feel unnecessary.
Well, in the last of two meetings today, which was a board meeting, a man was talking about how he had brought his son to storytime when he was younger and he spoke of the connection he saw between me and the mothers in the group. He said that he noticed how I connected with each of them on a personal level. Each one of them, no matter their place in life, I connected with them.
I, of course, not wanting the attention dropped my head, there were tears in my eyes. These were different tears than the ones I had cried last night, that when I looked in the mirror this morning, I asked myself what that was looking back at me. These were tears of happiness. Maybe somewhere along the way I mattered. Maybe I left an impression on peoples hearts. I did this man and that was more years ago than I want to mention.
Now, I have to get to painting and remember….it’s a secret!!!