I am very demanding on myself. Nobody else, just me. I will allow things others do to slide when I will beat myself up if I do the same thing. Not that I feel like I have to be better than anyone else, I just need to follow through something once I start it. I need to give it the love and attention it deserves and I need to see the end goal. I am my own worst critic.
I have a Valentine’s photo shoot this weekend. I am looking for everything that could go wrong. Just like everything in my life. “What am I going to do to screw this up??”
Nobody knows the nights I sit at home and I cry because I feel unnecessary. I don’t talk to people about that. I don’t even tell my person or my best friend. I try to not let it show that I still struggle from time to time. Never let them see you sweat.
There is no person on the planet who doesn’t want on some level to feel wanted, needed and desired. Yes, I said desired. I would like to feel that someone desires me. That someone’s heart beat speeds up when I walk into a room. I know I am not a Barbie girl, I have wrinkles and I am thick. I don’t have the best body image. I am who I am.
I work in a place where I feel unappreciated. The harder I try, the more I do, the more they expect. There are days when I am tired of hearing my own name.
I have great expectations for my life. I just don’t know how to get to the goal at this point. I don’t want to burden others with my ramblings in my mind so I sit and I think, plan, dream and work. I stay in my own head so much of the time, I stress myself out and then I cry. Simply because I don’t want to bother anyone. There is nobody in the house with me to tell me it will be okay. Sometimes you want someone to hold you hand or rub your cheek and look you in the eye and tell you that it is all worth it.