I have been pretty quiet lately. On this blog, on social media, in person. I have been thinking. It is during these times that I watch, I listen, I observe. I plan, I work, I rethink it, I rework it, I over think it.
I go back and reread my journal entries and I see what the major portion of my writings have been. This will tell me what is not balanced in my life. That thing I am dwelling on is what is either the thing that makes me happy or the thing that is eating at me.
It is also the time I take least care of myself. My sleep pattern becomes disturbed. My diet well, let’s just say junk food is reasonably priced for a reason. You will pay for it later. My thoughts want to wander, I get fog brain. If I am not careful, I will fall into a pit.
I talk to lots of people. It is part of my job, yes but I like human connection. In a day and age where text messages and chat has taken the place of real conversation, I want the human connection. Particularly with those people I am closest to. Among them, my person, my best friend, my family. I want them to know that although I am having a time of introspection, I am still present. Some others when they are talking at me, yes at me not to me, sound sort of like Charlie Brown’s school teacher.
I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that I had seen something eating them alive. That it was sucking the life out of them. I realized that the very same thing could be said of me. Luckily they didn’t hold a mirror in my face and say look at you.
I am ready to proceed with new adventures, I know what I want. It is not totally up to me. Part of it is. I have to take that leap of faith to fulfill my dreams. I have to live with total abandon, which is not my strong suit. I like to have a plan. I like to see the end goal.
Yesterday, I made a phone call asking for help and before I got off the phone there were several other things put on my plate. Okay, I’ll handle it. Just before this phone call. Some one asked me a question. I asked a question in order to formulate an informed answer. When I asked the question, they whirled around on me and said “It wasn’t a question”. I simply turned and walked away. I have decided I don’t have to attend every fight to which I am invited.
This was the straw that broke the camels hump. I can help others. I don’t mind helping others. I actually enjoy it however, take me for granted, talk down to me, I won’t be as willing to help you next time. If you don’t want my opinion don’t ask for it. So it is time for me to get my act together. It is time for me to put it into overdrive.
So I sat this morning for an hour in solitude. No noise, nobody around, away from everything. I thought about some of the conversations I have had this week. The deacon and I were talking and he asked me what was bugging me and I told him. He said “You are one of the strongest women I know. Yet there are times I see you when you don’t believe in yourself at all. I have seen you go through it before and you always get back up. He was right.
I remembered a conversation my sister had with me months ago, at the time I didn’t understand a question she posed. We were talking about my photography and I said I hate I didn’t do it before. She said Maybe you weren’t supposed to. I said well it would have been nice if (insert my late husbands name here) could have shared it. Although I believe he does, just not physically. She said but would he have let you? At the time it honestly pissed me off. He was not controlling. One day this week though it struck me what she meant. My husband and I were always together. He needed me. Where you saw one you saw the other. He liked sedentary activities. The man could do better needle work than I ever could.
As time passed, he had no choice. He would have never gotten out and walked in the woods or rolled around on the ground like I do when I am determined to get the shot I want. So would he have let me….probably not. I have had to make this journey seemingly alone but not alone at all. I have my cheer leading squad over in the corner rooting for me and tooting my horn when I have forgotten my tune. I do the same for them. I have great people whom I love dearly and would physically fight for.
So as of today, I promise myself and you that I will do at least one nice thing for my mind, body and spirit everyday. That is the only way to protect myself from those who want to invade my bubble and remind me that I am a peon. I promise myself I will have fun learning new things. I promise myself I will laugh everyday, even if it is at myself. I promise myself that I will ditch the dinners of sour cream, salsa and chips and eat better. I promise myself I will take sometime to feed my soul, through prayer, meditation, devotionals, or just those moments of listening to my own breath.
If I don’t take care of me, I can’t be there for those who I want to be there for. I asked the person nestled in my heart today if he had done anything nice for himself. Sometimes we just need little reminders that someone cares, that we are loved, that all is well and all connected.