It has been a pretty stressful week. I have been “cleaning” my bedroom. Out of all the rooms in my house that was the room, I really hadn’t done much in since my husband passed away.
It is time to make that space mine also. A place where I can rest and relax as I sleep at night. I have made a great deal of changes in the past 3 and 1/2 years, just not in that room. It is time. I haven’t said anything to anyone about what “cleaning” entailed.
I have taken down things from the walls, I have rearranged things to suit my taste. The one thing that I hadn’t touched was his dresser. His aftershave was still there, the things he treasured were just as he had left them the night he was taken to the hospital before he was put into a skill nursing facility.
Honestly, as I went through his things, I felt as if I was violating him to some degree. His things were his things and mine were mine. Now, it was time for some of these things to leave my home. It is no longer our home, it is my home. He no longer needs these things. I no longer need these things.
Some things were easy to make decisions on. There were things where it was tougher. I found stacks of papers where I had researched the type of cancer he had and possible treatments and expected outcomes. I know the outcome in his case.
I no longer need this information. There was a would be journal where I made notes to him, on what was happening to him for when he was better he could see what had happened to him. Some of it caused me to remember and laugh. Like one day when he was sure he was at Dollywood all day. He was in the hospital. There were things that hurt my feelings, like the day I was sick and home from work, trying to work and take care of him had taken it’s toil and he told me that he wished I would let him be the sick one. My reply at the time was that I felt like life had run me over like a truck. I have run the gambit of emotions this week because of stuff. And I still am not done, I have worked on it this evening. I found the card he had sent me on our 17th anniversary. What was written in it was sort of prophetic. He had written ” I will go to my grave loving you and only you. I am thankful you said yes.”
Add to it that I have felt like silly putty this week being caught between two side of the same coin. Two of my co-workers have had a disagreement. I was sitting in the meeting when it happened and for the past three days, I have been called aside, trying to be persuaded by each one that they are right. There is a 3 day meeting out of town that I need to schedule around and new programming to put into place over the next month. I am overwhelmed.
I need a brain dump!!! So, I get in the car, I go some place where I won’t be distracted. I choose the lodge in the National Park I go to when I need to be alone and I start to write. The facility has been closed for a number of years.
I can tell by my handwriting alone how high my stress level is. The writing is messier. I have pressed down harder on the pen. As I wrote about what was bothering me, I felt the stress start to leave.
I was there all alone. I only saw one man as I was traveling there. He told me that the road was closed ahead. I knew where it was closed but it wasn’t going to stop me from reaching my destination. It was closed past where I was going. I sat there and I wrote, I cried. I got it out of my system.
I had to have some time to myself. I had to get rid of what was eating at my peace of mind. I had to take care of me for a while. I try to take care of others, I try to be in a good mood, I try to keep a PMA…positive mental attitude.
It worked and I got some really good photographs from the trip.
In the past I needed to be needed. I don’t feel like people need me now. My person doesn’t NEED me. My best friend doesn’t NEED me. My family doesn’t NEED me. I NEED them far more than they need me.
I know that they would and probably will argue that point. I had a good day, I learned something new, although it was painful for the person teaching me because like as with most things in my life I was overthinking it. I am really good at that. For me, trying to learn this is somewhat daunting and I don’t want to fail. I need this to make my wings. Learning this could be huge, for my dreams. The dream I have of making my living doing what I love with who I love. The good news about doing things the difficult way the first time, when you get to where you are supposed to be it seems so much easier. I am thankful for the people, the things and the memories that bring me joy and I am thankful for the ability to brain dump.