Wide Open Spaces

Well, it has happened. The New Year has come. 2015…..

For me it came in silently.

It was a typical Wednesday. Worked all day. Came home to begin my end of the year traditions that have been passed down to me from generations gone before. My grandmothers and my mother-in-law passed down things that needed to be done so you can start the new year afresh.

I stopped long enough to go to church. Then I went out for a nice dinner. It was not what I had hoped for the evening. . It was a lovely dinner. It was a special occasion so I treated myself.

I came back home and finished the chores. Still dressed in my church clothes.  I finished a little before 10 pm. Then the phone call came. This time it was good news. I am going to be a great aunt again. This is the second baby I am going to get to love in the new year. I found out about both of them this week.

At 11:15 pm I threw three quilts into my car and grabbed my thermos full of coffee. I have sat in this house alone for the past 4 new years. I wasn’t going to do it again. Why should I? Nobody would notice if I was here or not.

I let one person know what my plan is, they don’t know where I am going. I didn’t know when I told them.

I get into the car and I drive. I know where I am going as soon as I leave, even though I wasn’t sure when I walked out my door. I went to a place where I was as safe as if I were a babe in my mother’s arms.

I get to where I am going and I park the car. I wrap myself up in quilts and I wait. I sit and listen to silence. I see the vastness of the night sky, the stars and the moon and I realize how unimportant I am in the big scheme of things.

I remember those that had to exit my life this year. My Aunt who left last January and her husband who left suddenly in November.

I thought about the two new babies who will arrive in the new year. Two new babies to love. The daughter of my heart will be blessed with her first child in July. My nephew and his wife will be welcoming their first child together in August. This new year will be filled with cuddles and coos.

I thought about those who have made 2014 so special. I thought about those moments of success and of course the failures. Probably more of the latter than the former. That’s okay. Lessons have been learned from those. Some of those lessons will carry over into 2015.

I thought about the changes in my own life. How I have been braver this year than I have in my life.

I watched as an airplane passed overhead and wondered where those people were headed and how many times they would celebrate the new year on their flight.

I thought about the useless tears I have cried. How many hours I have spent worrying about things I cannot change.

I waited for a fanfare in the night sky. Some indication that a death had occurred. Because the old year died, which considering I equate silence with death, it was apropos that it was silent the moment midnight slipped in. It came unnoticed. Death came to the old year and the new one slipped in without a sound. I actually didn’t realize it was the new year for a couple of minutes into it. That was because a friend texted me to tell me Happy New Year.

I then got back into the car and came home. There was no big party where I was. The only cost associated with this trip was the gas it took me to drive there. There was just me and my thoughts. My whispered prayer for peace and for love. And the wide open spaces.

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