I have made it no secret that I have had to struggle with my weight all my life. This in turn has given me a huge amount of insecurity. I am trying to overcome it, I truly am. I never feel like I am pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough, smart enough. All the things I heard throughout my life simply because I was fat.
Others have said they don’t see me that way, it is just that sometimes I need reassurance that I am not the “Sherkina” that used to appear in the mirror. I am not image I have fought against for so many years.
I still see her some days. Today, I wore a hoodie that at one time fit me, sort of, I couldn’t zip it up but I could put it on. It was bagging on me today. It is when I see things like that I remember that I am not that person anymore. I know that may sound shallow, but if you have battled obesity you understand that the person you used to see in the mirror, sometimes comes back to visit
Everybody has that something they don’t like about their bodies. I experienced two examples of this today. I was talking to my best friend, who I think is the perfect size. I would like to be her size and she was talking about how much weight she had gained over the past couple of years.
I don’t see it. She does. I told her that she didn’t need to worry about it. She will. I know her.
Then, I ran into an acquaintance. He has had gastric bypass, for health reasons. He is a third the size he used to be. I asked him how he was, his reply “Fat”. He is a great guy and even though he has lost all this weight, he still feels “fat”.
It is not just a me thing. It is not just a woman thing. It is a human thing. We all have that thing that bothers us about ourselves, that ghost of the past us that comes back and visits.
I may never feel good enough. I may never feel smart enough. I struggle with new things, but I try. I did something new tonight. I was very happy about that. I may never feel skinny enough or pretty enough.
I am learning to be comfortable with who I am. I am learning to be happy with the house I live in. I will never be a model. I will never be the dream girl who gets the wolf whistles. I don’t want to be. It is hard enough to be me.