I’m not really sure how to start this post. A great many, totally seemingly unrelated things have come together to help me realize some things.
I am all about personal growth. Finding my own character flaws and trying to be a better me. It may sound selfish to some, but it is important to me.
I want the world to be a better place but if I am afraid of change in my own life, if I am anxiety ridden to make mistakes in learning new things, putting myself out there, taking chances, how am I supposed to help the kids I work with to face their fears.
I had told my friend the other day at lunch that I wanted to leave fear, self-doubt and insecurity behind. I was reminded today that I might should embrace them. Instead of looking at them as a liability maybe look at them as an asset. “Fail early, fail often”. It is hard to step outside your comfort zone.
Recently, I acquired a book on the artist Matisse. I am not an artist. I don’t claim to be. I do love to study artists, learning more about them. At the back of the book was the renderings of one particular painting he was doing, “Large Reclining Nude”. There were 22 of them beginning May 3, 1935 through October 30, 1935. Almost 6 months. I looked at the different renderings. The proportions changed in each different attempt. The faces changed at times they totally disappeared. He made changes until he got his version of perfection, then he began to apply paint to canvas. Until that point, he did the work.
I am working on a multi-fold project. It was meant to be a group project for the creatives I work with. I pitched it to the group. It is a story, actually it is my story. I had carefully examined my life and had written a story about a butterfly. I want the butterfly to come to life. The major portion of my time has been devoted to the story itself. That is what I do, I am a storyteller. I have put in the work with the story. There are certain tricks storytellers use to perfect a story. You practice it over and over until, you know the story. You tell it in different parts of your home where you are comfortable and at times you feel stupid doing some of the things you do. This one is not hard for me to tell, I lived it.
I hadn’t worked on the wings. The other people in the group have different skill sets and I guess I was depending on them to make her fly. The question was posed to me today, what are you doing? You can sit and dream all day. In your dreams, everything is perfect and in design, you will have failure on top of failure. That is the difference between a dreamer and a designer. A designer brings it out of their dreams and into the physical world. What are you doing?
I have put in work on one part of the story. The verbal presentation, the facial expression. I have not put work into the details to bring it from what I see in my head and bringing it to life.
I was reminded that I would fail. It will take several attempts, over time, until it is done correctly and effectively. There would be many renderings along the way. Many different versions. I had to admit at that point that I do have a fear of failing. Every one does. If they are honest with themselves, nobody wants to fail. Suddenly, I said something I don’t think I have ever given voice to before.
When my late husband lost his 18 month battle with cancer. I felt like a failure. I had no control over it. It was not my call to make. God is in control of that. I had done everything humanly possible to make sure he was given the best of care, yet I feel like I failed. Luckily, I voiced this to someone I trust.
So, yes I have a fear of failure. I have a fear that I will give it my all and once again, I will come up lacking.
Will I have more regrets, trying and failing or never trying at all. This not only applies to my projects but also my personal life. It is time to put in the work. It is time to face my fears. It is time to embrace the fact that I might fail, but I will go down fighting. I will give it my all. It may not happen as soon as I would like. It might change form many different times. I must put in the work.
There is a process I go through. It has been pointed out to me several times. This fear, the tears, happened before I started this blog, with my photography. I fear I will be looked at as less. Many different major changes in my life have come with this same trepidation. I have fear. I admit that. But if something matters to me, it scares me. If it is important enough, there will be fear. Fear of failure, fear of losing someone you love. Then for me, there is the fear of succeeding. If it matters fear will be present. If you don’t put legs to your dreams, they will never come to life. Maybe it is time for me to step up and grab life by the face and say here I am. Kiss me!!!