It is early Christmas morning. The house is quite. There are no kids, there is no body in the house but me. I am sitting here nursing a cup of coffee. Wrapped in a throw one of my little people gave me and writing to you.
For the past three years, I have spent Christmas morning “alone”. This year is different though.
Christmas was planned for months in advance in chapter one of my life. He would start decorating before Halloween. Me, well, not so much.
This year has been an interesting one. I have been happy. You might think that is not such an amazing thing…..oh but it is.
For the past 3 years, things have been different. There was a hole in my world. Mr. Christmas wasn’t here. I tried for the first one to just get through. Things were changed so that it would be different. We went to my sisters house, we changed from Christmas Day to Christmas Eve, so that it didn’t sting so badly.
It has been 3 and 1/2 years but 4 Christmases. Each one has gotten, I don’t want to say easier, I have become more accustomed to my life.
Last year, I was happy. I did however feel guilty about being happy. So I didnt fully enjoy it. Unless you have been here, you can’t understand that part.
You want to be happy, you want to live and love again. You are filled with fear, doubt and guilt. That person who made you so happy for so long, isn’t there anymore. How dare you be happy??
If you are thinking like that, STOP IT!! Find that person that makes you realize that you are still alive. That person that makes your heart smile again. That person who shares your dreams and feeds your passions. Allow them space to plant the seeds of love and watch it bloom into this beautiful thing. You do the same thing for them. Feed their passions and their dreams. It is amazing what two people who care for each other, who have common goals can do. Scatter the seeds of your love in their life. That is what life is about!!
For the first time, I can say I was excited about Christmas. I wanted to make my person’s Christmas fun. He, in turn, made mine wonderful.
I got to spend time with him yesterday. There was a lot of laughing as people came in and out of the place we were. That is the thing about living in a small town, everybody knows everybody. We enjoyed our time together. As I left to go to my parents house, I told him that I didn’t want to go. I didn’t, I was content being with him. I left dropping a hint that I would like to see him Christmas day.
I got to see my family and watch the magic in a child’s eyes as she got two gifts she wanted and how she wanted to make sure they were protected because she treasured them.
I know that feeling. Mine can’t be wrapped in a box, well it could but you would have to poke air holes in it.
I know that feeling of jubilation when you are so happy you can’t put it into words. I felt it that this year. I felt good just to say, yes, I am happy, No, there is no guilt about me being happy. I, as much as anyone, am allowed to be happy. To move forward with my life. TO BE HAPPY WITHOUT GUILT is a freeing experience.
If your home is over flowing with people, enjoy each and every one of them. Take time with each of them, even if just a couple of minutes. If you are “alone”, take the time to do something you enjoy. Don’t feel bad about doing something for you. Don’t allow the day to pass you by without some sort of adventure. I’m not going to.