In Chapter One of my life, I could sleep long stretches at a time with the best of them. Until I had to start getting up at 2:00 am and 4:00 am to make sure the cancer meds were taken.
After 3 and 1/2 years, some habits die hard. I still from time to time wake up and just sit here for a while.
This is one of those nights. I am sitting here with my mind racing. Sleep will not come easy for me the rest of the night. There is nobody here physically to talk with. There is no one laying on the other side of the bed so I move to the couch, turn on whatever movie is in the DVD player, just to have noise in the house. I am not really watching it, I am writing this blog. With the TV on, the house doesn’t seem as quiet in these wee morning hours, when the new day has just begun and the rest of the people I know are hopefully safely tucked away in their beds.
It doesn’t help that being at that “certain age” in my life some things are more painful than they used to be. So, I sit and I wait for my brain to quieten and the sandman to creep back in.
I know that all the things whirling around in my mind will work themselves out. They always do. I still have to make sure that I am doing my best to help them progress as they should.
Work, church Christmas programs, making sure all the last of the stuff is done because Christmas creeping upon us quickly. Thinking that I have to be up early to make sure that I get to an appointment on time. So I think and I study and I plan and I wait. Wait to go back to sleep or wait for light to peek through the living room window and my mom to call me to make sure I am awake.
It is in the middle of the night when those doubts that you have kept at bay all day come to life. They tell you everything you have done and said wrong all day. This is the time when I probably pray most. I pray for forgiveness, I pray for peace, I pray for those that I love, that they are resting well. I pray that God will bless them and give them a peaceful slumber.
So, although I don’t have those arms to hold me, like I used to. I use my early morning hours the best way I know how.