Most of my writings occur either late at night or early in the morning. These are the times when my heart is full and my mind and hands aren’t as busy with other things. This will be one of those early morning writings.
I awoke this morning with a heart of thankfulness for those people in my life. I am blessed beyond measure. I have those people who have been with me since day one of chapter 2. I may not have acknowledged that I knew they were there. I tried to convince myself that they were not there for me, why would they be? They are so amazing and I am plain. Vanilla. Ordinary. Nothing was there that anybody would want. That they would soon tire of me and leave. I was wrong. I didn’t realize how important they would be in my life at the time. I didn’t realize they would play such an important part in the journey I never wanted to take. Nobody ever wants to walk this bumpy road of self discovery. Bumpy is putting it simply. I have referred to it as jello in a tornado, on more than one occasion.
Your tribe may not be those who share your blood. Most of mine is not. My tribe is those people who are with me no matter what. I in turn will move Heaven and Earth fo them. They are those forever people you can’t wait to share your joys with. I honestly feel like I have 3 forever in my world. My person, my mom and my best friend.
I got to share an awesome moment yesterday. It was amazing to have the most important person in your world right there when something wonderful and overwhelming at the same time happens. They get to see that genuine reaction when you see something for yourself (something they have seen for a long time and told you) and are there to calm the fear that goes along with it.
There is always fear at the thought of change, at least for me. Even good change is change. In my past, change has not always been the best. When my late husband was sick, when it was time for scans and the doctors said “There’s been a change”, it usually was not a good thing. There was always the scan, the wait, then the news. Wait to see if round one of chemo changed anything, wait to see if round two changed anything, wait until his suffering is over then as his transition comes, the real change begins. You have worked your life around his needs and now suddenly there is this gaping hole in your life, your time, your heart and you can’t think.
I have compared myself to a cartoon character who stands around with a teeny tiny umbrella waiting for an anvil, a safe or a house to fall on their head.
I may not understand why I am in this place, at this time. I am here for a reason. I can enjoy what is happening or I can worry about it. I know what I want to do. Laying aside fear of change, that is difficult.
The thoughts of maybe someday traveling and sharing things I have been through, that is daunting to me. I am up to a challenge though. God gives us all a story. God give us a voice, God gives us talents and skills, God gives us people to help us grow and to learn and to be there as we learn about ourselves and the world, he allows them to be there when those moments come to life. That is Sweet!!!
I had a conversation the other day. They were talking about how people in their world affected them in a negative manner. I told them that no matter how they wanted to view it, no man is an island. We are human and we long for connection. No matter how much we will be hurt by it. Losing a person you loved for 20 years is painful!!! You know they are around you. They have just shed that flesh house that was growing weaker by the moment. You miss their physical presence. You feel like the moment that next breath never came that your heart left your body also. That at that moment, your heart quit beating also.
I have been gifted with people who managed to collect bits, pieces, slivers and shards of my heart using tweezers and a magnifying glass if needed to pick up pieces and say no look, it’s not totally destroyed, we can fix this. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Even if you don’t feel like facing the big cruel world today, fake it til you make it honey!!
So in these predawn hours, I sit alone in my home, tears rolling down my face. Not tears of sorrow anymore, tears of joy, tears of love, tears of thankfulness. Those are the best kind of tears, they are the ones you want to share with others.