A Look Back At My Journey To Me…

Being a “widow” is educational. That is putting it mildly. You learn a great deal about yourself, what you are made of and what you will allow in your life.

I have had people say and do things that were very hurtful to me early on in the journey that started June 2011.

I have also had people who have stepped up and showed me that life was worth living when I wanted to end it all. I knew how I was going to do it, thankfully, the right person said the right thing at the right time.

You don’t know how to tell people how you are feeling. You feel like half your body had been severed off. You walk around in circles until you figure out how to take a step. You hurt, you are lonely coming home to an empty house every night. You don’t let it show. People prey on lonely people because they think they are so beat down they will do anything to have somebody, anybody, a body.

I look back over the past 3 and 1/2 years and see how blessed I am. The people in my circle have been my hand to hold, my shoulder to lean on, a shove in the right direction and sometimes a smack in the head when I was really stupid.

I put myself in some dangerous situations. It was because I didn’t know what else to do. I felt at that point like my only chance to love had passed me by. My heart was split into a million pieces. I felt unattractive, unlovable and unworthy. I was wrong on ALL counts.

I listened to people say things to me and about me that were not pleasant. I let people take advantage of me. I wasn’t strong enough to stand on my own and they saw that.

People would volunteer me for things and think it was okay because “she doesn’t have anything better to do.” People who were hurtful to me, I stepped back from. I was dealing with life. I was trying to figure out how I was going to survive. I had to survive before I could live. At some point that transition took place. I remember feeling guilty the first time I laughed.

I am living again. I am living LIFE. I do what I enjoy and I have found out I can say no and not feel badly about it. There are people whom I have had to step away from, for my own sanity. I couldn’t take care of myself, how was I supposed to take care of them. Now they try to come in and tell me that my husband wouldn’t want this or that. I lived with him, I knew him better than anybody. He told me before he even got sick that they were using me and I couldn’t see it then. He was pretty wise.

I don’t go out and party. I spend a great deal of my time alone. I am not lonely anymore. There are days when it is still hard, I won’t lie about that. Little things come to your mind, it’s not the big things that trip you up.  I do the best I can on those days. I have said before that his time in a physical house ended. Mine did not.

I work on things I enjoy. I didn’t realize how much I enjoy art. I have the greatest art gallery the world will never see. It is not that I am great at it. I just like to feel a brush on canvas. It is not for anyone else to see. It is for me. I have made “our” home, my home.

I have friends of all different ages and different interests. They add value to my life and I hopefully in turn add value to theirs.

Recently, I found something on a social media page that I follow. I wish back in those day when I struggled to get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other, when it was so bleak and the pain was so raw. When people were picking at an already gaping wound, I wish I had the courage to say what Carolyn Moor of Modern Women’s Club thankfully shared with the world and has so graciously allowed me to share on this page with MWC’s permission.

Please if you are struggling, take time to listen to it. If you feel like you life is over, it isn’t. You are still here for a reason. You are here to laugh, you are here to love, you are here to be alive and be the person God created you to be.

You may be hurt by people assuming they know what is best for you. Live your life Do that thing that makes you feel alive, whatever it is. It may not be painting pictures that the world may never see. I never planned on writing a blog. I never thought I had anything of value to say until someone reminded me one day that there are others out there. I have survived one of the worst things that could happen and I was being selfish if I didn’t try to help others who are struggling.

Find your circle. Those people who you trust with your secrets and that want to see you grow and blossom like a rose in full bloom or to see you fly higher than you have ever flown but remind you that if you fall, you can try again. Failure isn’t final. Who encourage you to take risk and watch you grow from it. Just LIVE!!! Even if you have to take it one minute at a time. That’s all you get anyway.

Now I share with you what I wish I had said to people before I found my own voice again……

https://soundcloud.com/carolyn-moor/a-widows-song-by-modern-widows

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