Why can’t I Just Say It To Your Face…

I am a coward of the highest order. C-O-W-A-R-D!!! That would be me. I am also not very demonstrative when it come to affection. My late husband would write a mini novel in every card he sent me in 181/2 years. He was lucky if I signed my name.
My family knows I will end every phone conversation with “Ioveyoubye”. One word. Put it in there and hope they catch it. This is a trick learned from my dad.  My best friend and “our” daughter. “Love you, mean it”.

Why can’t I say it to the person who means the most to me. My Person.  I had to call today and explain that when I say “I appreciate you” that means “I Love You”. I want to say it, I really, really do. I want to reach over as we are walking and grab his hand, I want to grab him by his face and plant one right on his kisser. I go all stupid when I am around him. I get butterflies, like a school girl. I love it at the same time it scares the crap outta me. He is only the second person in my life to give me butterflies.

I know I love this man. He has a mind like a steel trap and a heart of gold. Yes, I do like looking at him. I won’t even try to deny that. His heart and his mind are what attract me to him though. He is honestly one of the best and most creative  people I know.

I can sit with him and us not say anything and be a content as a kitten on a soft pillow laying in front of a fireplace on a cold winter day. In my musings, I can see us together, him working on his projects, me working on one of mine, or journaling or reading. Just being content. I also see us traveling together working as a team.

We share each others dreams. I feel like I can tell him anything, except the most important thing.

So after we parted today, me telling him that “I appreciate him” which is code for I wanna say it but I am big old chicken. I went for a walk. I have promised myself that in chapter 2 there would be no regrets. I regretted not telling him so I made it right. I tried to. As I was walking, I saw my shadow on a tree. Life is a vapor, it goes by in a blink at best. Am I going let fear of saying 3 little words that come from my heart go unsaid. I know how quickly someone can be taken out of your life. You don’t get the chance to put your arms around them again and tell them that you love them. I sit on my own tombstone enough that I realize that.  Do it while you can. So I took a deep breath and dialed the phone.

As the phone was ringing, I was like let it go to voicemail cause if I hear him speak I won’t be able to do it. It went to voicemail. The details of what I said to him are between us.

Learning to fly is about knowing your strengths and your weaknesses. I have learned some of my strengths this week. I faced my biggest weakness, in the most cowardly way possible. I still faced it though.

Learning who I am, as a singular person,  is interesting.  I learn something new about myself each and every day. Seeing who I am makes understand how I have evolved since chapter one ended and chapter two began. It happened in a split second.He was breathing, then he wasn’t.  My husbands vapor was over. Mine isn’t. I didn’t think I could ever love anyone else but I truly do.

You ask what I am afraid of…. well for one,  it could happen again. This should not stop me. I should not let the fear that someday I could be here again stop me from enjoying the wonderful I have right now. If I had known how chapter one would end, would I have held back? It is just the awareness that I have now, that I didn’t have then. I was young and we were going to die of old age. Not so much!!  I love this man with complete abandon.

I am abandoning the fears, I am abandoning the feeling that I am unworthy or unattractive. I am abandoning self doubt. I am instead choosing to embrace joy and happiness and love. What better thing could you cling to???

Serenity means peace, flying is not always easy. Birds adjust their wings as they are flying. They do not fret over where the wind is carrying them. Fear is part of what makes us human. It is also at times, what holds us back from living life to it’s fullest.

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