Where Do I Even Begin???

You ever have times when you feel like you are on a tilt-a-whirl ride at the carnival?? Well it has been one of those weeks for me.

I have seen personal growth, I have questioned everything I have done, I have secluded myself and turned to comfort food. If “that time of life” don’t get me, other people micromanaging me will.

I don’t do well with being micromanaged. Tell me once, let me do it, give me CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and let have another shot at it.

When you keep hammering on me,  all you will get from me is disdain. You will make me want to not be as helpful in the future and to a degree you will get my  pity. I am a southern mountain woman, I come from a long line of those and I will at some point did my heels in and start singing, loudly and storngly  “I Shall Not Be Moved”

 I believe in building people up, encourage them, when they make an attempt, don’t shoot them down because it is not up to your standard. If you can’t do that, do it yourself.

I am learning to deal with this kind of thing. There is a pattern, It is totally up to me. Others can be there to support me, but they can’t do it for me. I have to decide who is controlling my emotions.

The sleep interruptions have been evident this week. Yesterday I was up at 4:30 am. and this morning it was 3:00 am.

I had a bad dream. In Chapter 1, there was someone to snuggle closer to in the bed and realize you are not alone. In Chapter 2, you move to the couch and you wait it out. Sometimes you can go back to sleep. This morning I wasn’t so lucky. Nobody, no matter how much they care about me wants me to call them and tell them about my bad dreams at 3 in the morning. I still don’t understand the dream. I am sure that the daytime negative committee that meets, gave order to the night shift to continue what they were working on.

Add people trying to decide if I am or am not “socializing” to their standards and I am toast.
Stick a fork in me I am done. People are waiting for me to break down and tell them my business. I know who I want in my world. They are there for a reason. I love them all, I am IN LOVE with one of them, one is my best friend, two are my parents, two have been there for me in chapter 2 to help me stretch farther than I ever thought I could  and 3 of them are my great nieces and then  their mommy.

Those are the only people who get to know my life. In my LIFE  (that group of people I just mentioned) I am very happy. There has to be separate segments in your life, work and life… two totally different things.

When one the former affects the latter, it is time for me to dig in. I am at that point, the mountain woman has had to rise up. People tend to forget that I fought long and hard for someone I loved more than myself, he in turn fought for me. Well, physically he is not here anymore, so I’ve got to stand.

Ironically, tonight I had to put my ring away. Not my wedding ring, I put it away a couple years ago. This ring was the last ring my late husband bought me for Christmas. Jewelry to me should mean something. I wear a pendant that my person painted for me, the only time I take it off is when I am in the shower. I wear a horseshoe ring I got when I was in high school. My parents bought that for me and for many years I couldn’t wear it (my fingers were too fat)  and on my right hand I wore my Christian virtues ring that said “Faith, Hope, Peace and Love’.

Twice in the last 3 weeks it has fallen off my finger and both times I was lucky enough to find it.  Rather than risk losing it, I will retire it. It is now in the box with my other rings. I have found one that used to fit my pinky finger now fits my ring finger.

Life is all about change, growing and shrinking happens. You should grow in your own determination to be the best person that you can even if others refuse to see your worth, it is not their opinion you should worry about, it is you own. Shrinking fingers forcing you to make yet another step, knowing that you can take that step because, simply because you have to and life hands you nothing that you can’t overcome, given enough time, support and love.

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