Today is Monday. Usually I have lunch with my best friend on Monday. Due to other factors, we have not been able to do our lunches the past few weeks. I miss those. It is our time to figuratively cry on each others shoulders.
I did stop by the coffee shop for my afternoon, get me to 6:00 cup of liquid motivation. Another friend owns the coffee shop and we were talking. The conversation came around to my journey in chapter 2. He said “You get to have the adventure of figuring out who you are without him.” Him being my late husband. Hadn’t really thought of it as an adventure…and not that I am totally without him. I am without his Earthly form.
I can honestly say though that to some degree it has been an adventure. It has been a great deal of grief. It has been many tears. It has been learning who I am as a person. I had forgotten who I was before I was part of that “we”.
I have become more thoughtful. I have become more thankful for those in my life, for I am aware how quickly them or I could be taken away. I have become less tolerant of the small things that keep me stressed out. I am more courageous than I EVER thought I could be. My faith has been tried and tested and found to be true. I have found out who I can count on to be there when the proverbial poop hits the fan.
I have had some interesting encounters both in a good and bad way. The good has far outnumbered the bad. The bad however, came with lessons learned on what I will tolerate and what I will not.
I have learned that my heart can truly love more than one person. There was a time when I thought I would never love again.Gladly, I was very wrong about that one. I have learned to be patient with myself and not be so critical when I make mistakes. I am far from perfect, I will fail often. I will fall and I will get up.
I have learned that flights of fancy are okay and glitter fixes almost everything that chocolate and coffee can’t. That a ride on a winding country road with the window rolled down and singing at the top of your lungs is good medicine.
So yes, it has been an adventure. It is not a journey I wanted to take. It was not my choice. If you have lost a person you love, who fought through hell itself (cancer treatments are not pleasant) just to spend every moment they could with you, you know it is not easy to start the next chapter of your life. It has been 3 and a half years and I still don’t know if I am getting it “right”. I do know that I am living my life, I am learning as I go, and I am truly on an adventure.
Winds of uncertainty may ruffle my feathers from time to time but all I can do is lean into it and keep flying. You fly or you fall either way, you gotta try.