Getting To The Root of The Problem

So I made it through the day. Not well, but I made it. My fingers should know when to shut up and I should learn to keep my mouth shut, Working on that one, haven’t done well in 46 years.

It was one of those weepy days when I couldn’t stop crying. I hate those days. I try to bless others on those days because it is something I have always done. You have a down day be a blessing to someone else. My best friend tried to console me,  my sister, whom I don’t see very often came by not knowing what shape I was in and she was the one I really spilled my guts to.

We don’t hang out. We don’t talk on the phone. She is my sister. We will fight with each other but we will fight to the death for each other. She does not know the path I have be given to walk. She still has her husband, children, grandchildren and in-laws. She doesn’t have a clue what it is like to live in a house alone or to come home and go to bed or couch alone. We don’t have the same life experience. She has had her share of troubles but death has not entered her equation yet.

We are from one of those families where you “buck up”. You are made of stronger stuff than that. That was one of the first things she told me today. I have heard this all my life and sometimes I wonder if I have tried to be so tough that I have buried what I really feel. Don’t think about it and you won’t feel it. Keep busy. Keep moving and checking.

I have lived alone for over 3 years. I have run for over 3 years. I don’t RUN like I used to. I can come home and work on projects. I am comfortable living alone with very few scares. There have been a few things that happened that makes me nervous but I am good living alone.

I am going through a change in my life right now and it is affecting me in an odd way. It has sent me running again. My mom told me this morning that I have more on my plate than I can handle right now. She might be right.  I think it might be due to my recent anniversary, a couples photo shoot that has brought more possible jobs taking photos of humans with money and who want everything their way, even if it is not your way. I want to put out a good product, they want the raw images. The raw images don’t compare to the edited ones. I hold myself to a standard in my work.

I was just walking around in the woods taking photos of what I saw along my way, then suddenly, people realized I was a photographer. I said something thoughtless along those lines this morning and then I had a little talk with myself and decided that downing myself was no longer acceptable. Not only does it hurt me it hurts those who care about me. So I had to apologize to me first then to my person.

As I was talking to my sister, she said “it is more than photography”. I told her the story about my changing direction. She said No what is really bothering you?? Suddenly, out of my mouth came something that I wasn’t expecting. I miss physical touch. I miss someone holding me and someones arms around me on a regular basis. Where in the crap did that come from???

Me, miss touch me not, misses human, physical touch. I don’t want to be touched by just anyone. A certain someone instantly popped into my mind. Due to some things in my past, I am very careful whom I trust. Before you touch my physical being, a huge level of trust has to exist. I only trust one person this much. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about intimate moments that are shared between two people who truly care about each other.

Sex, is bought and sold every day. An earnest kiss on the forehead, wrapping your arms around each other, sharing a small embrace and kiss before parting. Knowing that you can be together and not be bothered by who sees it. Those are the things that speak of love and not lust  I am not one for public displays of affection. I never have been. I am not going to wallow a man in public but just to be walking along and to clasp hands, that would be amazing.

Those moments that can never be taken away. They are treasures. Learning to fly is tough. Standing on your own is not pleasant. Having someone to share your journey with all the ruts and bumps of self-discovery, who won’t give up on you even when you want to give up on yourself….that my friends, is priceless. I am learning more about me everyday. Some things are easy and fun, others take you through the pits of despair and self examination. Those are the places where you grow.

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