I AM SCARED…..

I am not good with change. On a scale of 1 being good with change and 10 being petrified of change , I am a 15.

Good change scares me as much as bad change. Good is positive for most people. For me it brings on an anxiety that mimics anger. People have thought I was angry when I was terror ridden.I think it could be an anger but at myself not the people I am talking to.  I have been accused of it more than once. My body language closes up and I clam up and don’t talk about it. I internalize my emotions instead of talking about them and seem to be ignoring what is being said around me. I;m not I am hearing every word even if I seem to be meandering off. I need to work on that more than a little bit.

 This character flaw has created another problem. I have been short with my friends, my mom and my person the last couple of days. My best friend understands after many years what is going on and can tell me to snap out of it. My mom quickly checks on my well being and gets off the phone. My person, I am afraid that I upset him because he does not understand the internal dilemma that I go through. I am a terrible, flawed, human being.

Imagine it, yesterday I had a photo shoot and I was stressing out. I had been thinking about it for days. I had done my test shots and all my homework but yet my anxiety was high. My client who is a lovely woman was nervous and was making me nervous. I was at the coffee shop and I couldn’t talk to my person about it, who has this magical way of calming me down. He was involved in another conversation, about something else he was interested in,  that I didn’t want to interrupt. Finally, I had to get to a place where I could calm my soul. I said Gotta go. He seemed surprised that I had to leave but I needed to get a handle on my emotions. I found a place where I could pray and cry. Yes, cry!!! I was scared, I felt like anyone else but me should be doing this, I felt alone!!!

So, I get my professional face on and go to do the shoot which went great. I took command of my photo shoot as I had been told to do. They listened to the ideas I had and paid me even more than I had asked from them.

I left, I rode around and cried. I didn’t have anyone that I could go to and share this victory with. I had faced some of my demons and I had won. I am not the most comfortable with doing couple shots in my current state of existence. You have to be all up in people’s business when they are having a private moment and you feel like an intruder.  It also reminds you of what you don’t have.

I have done weddings, but there are things there to shoot besides the happy couple.

I rode mile after mile and found places to sit and look at the photos. I did not want to go home to an empty house with the seemingly hollow victory under my belt. I had no one there to share it with and everyone else in my world was busy. I finally went home around 11:00 PM and got brave enough to look at them on the computer screen. That would be my true test.

I sent my person a message and let him know how it went and that I was happy with the photos. Then I went to couch. I spend my scared nights on the couch. That empty bed feels so huge. On the couch, I feel more content when I am scared.

I get up this morning and post a few of the photos to my social media site so the couple can see them. Anxiety level rises again. My mom calls and quickly realizes that I am not in a good place. I call my best friend who tells me to get over it (as kindly as she can). That people will love them. Still yet my inside feel like jello in a tornado. Not a good feeling to have. I hadn’t eaten since lunch yesterday. Fear is a terrible thing.

I get through my morning tasks on my job and go to meet her for lunch. I see my person who gives me a wonderful compliment. I shurgged it off.  It was a thoughtless act. I didn’t mean to shrug him off. I just …..did!!! That  move sucks and I am a terrible human being. I want to run up and hug him because with my recent trip, We haven’t really had much face time and I have missed him. I want to thank him but what do I do??? Shrug it off!!! He told me that I was a professional. Now…….I personally, do not see myself as professional. Semi-pro at best. Better than snap shot beside the Christmas tree at best. That too is something I am working on. He is a professional. He is an amazing photographer. He is the standard that I consider the best.!!! He is the bar that I measure myself and my craft by.

I tried to go back and explain myself, telling him that he is that bar. Well, guess what, he shrugged me off!!! Now I know how badly that hurt him. Life Lesson Learned. You do learn something new every day!! I learned yesterday that I could do this photography thing. Today I learned how much pain shrugging a sincere compliment off can cause. I have to go back to him and say “Listen, I am sorry for hurting you. That is the last thing I would ever do”. He is the last person on the planet I would willingly hurt. I would hurt myself before doing that. ( Not that I am planning anything drastic…I’m not!!!). I just need for things to be great between us again.

Between all these misunderstanding, me feeling alone, being pissy probably with a dose of hangry added to it It has not been a glorious Monday. To add to my thoughtlessness, I had taken a necklace off he made for me at storytime because the babies want to grab it and put it in their mouths and I had forgotten to put it back on. It was in my pocket but still, it wasn’t on. I only take it off when I am in the shower and during storytime. Yes, it is more precious to me than gold.

As I was leaving my person after trying to make things right, cause in my brain a semi could hit me on the way home and I might die thinking he hates me, I offered him a compliment that he shrugged off. I said just accept the compliment I gave you. Which he did. Am I a hypocrite??? Absolutely!!! I am a self proclaimed hypocrite. Next time he offers me a compliment I am going to try to look him in the eye and say, “Thank You”. ……and try not to sound pissy even if I am scared.

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