I try to tell people that I love how I feel about them on a regular basis. I give my little girls hugs and kisses and tell them that I love them. My parents and best friend, I always tell them that I love them before parting. With my person it is different.
This is a man that I am very much in love with. I don’t have a doubt in my heart or mind about this. I can tell you every reason that this smart, handsome, kindhearted, talented man would not, could not want me. Believe me, I have had this conversation with myself many times.
He amazes me with his knowledge on so many subjects. He makes me feel like I can do anything I want to do. It might take some coaxing and encouragement on his part to get me to step outside my comfort zone and sometimes take a huge leap of faith to follow my dreams. He believes that I can fly, I just have to be brave enough to do so.
We have had different experiences but they have brought us to this place, this time. Life has made sure that we meet. We would not have chosen the things we had to survive so that at the right time these souls could meet and touch each others lives.
He inspires me to be a better human being. He stimulates me to learn and to grow. He entices me to be more and to realize my own worth even when I can’t see it a great deal of the time.
He knows I am my own worst enemy and he has learned to gently coax me to see myself as more than my job, my family, my hobbies. He has gotten to know my heart, my mind and my soul. That is the essence who I am. I am not the size of my body, the color of my hair, the car I drive. I am so much more and for some reason, he sees that me. He looks right through this flesh house that I live in and observes the person that I am.
He is one of the most talented, artistic people I know. He can learn anything and is teaching others what he has learned and I think that is absolutely amazing. He is sharing a piece of the wonderful person that he is with us. I love to sit back and watch him. He gently explains something that is so easy for him to those of us that struggle with it. Those who are learning from him talks about how patient he is when explaining something and I get to observe it.
Lord knows he has been patient with me. He has let me transition from Chapter 1 to Chapter 2 of my life looking like a clumsy ballerina who doesn’t know the dance steps but making me feel like I was doing it perfectly. That when I stumble, it is a natural part of the dance. He has allowed me to talk openly about the grief I felt and how I didn’t think I could ever survive. He helped my heart to beat again. He has assisted me in rebuilding my life.
In Chapter 1, I was taught to love totally and completely. So much in fact, that I lost who I was in an effort to make my late husband’s life the best it could be as he battled sickness after sickness. That is what you do when you love someone.
In Chapter 2, I am being taught to love totally and completely, but in a way that I keep learning, growing, exploring, expanding my horizons and reaching for my dreams . It is an adventure and it is great. This is also what you do when you love someone.
I don’t tell him often that I love him. I don’t want it to just be something that I say. People use that term way too loosely in this day and age. I take it very seriously. I have only been in love twice in my life, for when one falls in love, one gives away their heart. He got a broken, beaten, bruised second hand heart but he knows( I hope) that it beats strong and true.
I love him more every day. Little things that he does make my heart skip a beat. He doesn’t even know it. I let fear that some day he will tire of me or current situations and leave. Just to see him in passing or hear him speak, I get butterflies and feel like a young girl again and it is great.
It was kinda funny last night, the creatives that I meet with weekly were together and he was working with a couple of guys on some technology and I was sitting at a table painting with watercolor paints. First time ever (go me), and a young lady who knows how to work with this medium was sitting with me. He was standing near me and the young lady said “The love of your life is right in front of you”. She was talking about the painting (I think), when I replied yes it is…..I was NOT talking about the painting.
I know that I was loved in chapter 1 and that I sometimes get a sweet reminder of that life, but I also know that life changes and we are given new special gifts and people. People who remind us that love still exist when we think it has been forever crushed.
I can tell the world this……..but how do I tell him???