Overwhelmed with my Life Yet Underwhelmed with Myself

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My life the last couple of weeks has been hectic to say the least. It has been a two week long day with naps in between.

It has been a great deal of running to meetings both in town and out-of-town, working on my photography business, leaving only my Tuesday evenings and Sundays for relaxation and fun.

All work and no play may make Johnny a dull boy but it makes “Serene” a tired girl. I have to sneak by to see my girls and sometimes they are sleeping when I peek in at them.

Here are some things I have noticed when I am overwhelmed….. I am more critical of myself. I can’t do anything right, everyone else can do everything better than me. The more tired I get the more underwhelmed I become with myself.

I will not stand up for myself. I will let people take credit for things the team does and I don’t have  “the set” to stand up and say No, give credit where credit is due. Luckily, others stand up for me when I don’t stand up for myself.

I am very much a people person, but when I am tired I want to crawl in my blanket for with my coloring book and crayons and only one other person would be welcome. This is because they would sit beside me and color and their presence alone would be comforting.

My mental capacity, well after the last couple of weeks, I could use a keeper. I am struggling to try to even write this post. I can’t journal the way I want to because there is so much bouncing around in my head. The muddy water, pinball machine, chewing gum method that my brain uses to process things is not even working at this point.

I become more fearful. Here is a prime example, my person has a beard and I from time to time want to rub his beard. He lets me and never says anything. Today, I wanted to so very badly and I let my fear hold me back. It isn’t like I haven’t done it before. I have many times but today, I chickened out. I let fear hold me back from something I really wanted to do.

I am grouchy and I had to explain to my person today that if it seems like I am bitchy, it is nothing personal. He is the person that keeps me centered and anchored into my reality. That the other is just semantics. He is the person that I lean on when I can’t stand on my own and I don’t even know if he realizes it or not. He knows I will get back up to fight again. This is how I do things.

That is what people do when they care for each other. They are there during the crap and remind you that the world is not fair but as he reminded me the other day….”All we need is the food we have in our belly, the roof over our head. That is all we NEED. If you have someone to love then you are golden.” I am golden. He is my someone to love.

He makes me laugh. I have said many times that I love you laugh. If you can make me laugh when I don’t want to, you got me. He can and does do that.

Burning the candle at both ends is not what I planned to be doing at this point in my life and I know if I don’t slow it down, something could come along and remind me I need to slow down. I am not complaining. I am thankful for all the things in my life but I have learned it is either feast or famine in my world. There is a middle ground, I just need to find it,find my voice and remind folks that I am one person and if we all carry a little bit of the load, the old nag won’t break down quite as quickly.

I do make time for the things I enjoy doing and being with my people. I make choices to say okay world, I know you are out there beating on my door but I want to sit and paint, I want to spend time with my person, talking and enjoying being in the same location. Being in close proximity to each other.

The good news is that I found my life song it is a song by Danny Gokey called “Tell Your Heart To Beat Again” It was on one of those road trips that I heard it the first time. I told my person about it after letting him hear the song. I explained to him that he had helped a heart that had been shattered into a million pieces lying on the ground to beat again. That God had blessed me the day he had walked into my life. I have sent Mr. Gokey a message asking to use it in this blog but have heard nothing from him or his people. Hopefully, should he give me permission to use it, I will explain in more detail. Until then go check it out, it is an awesome song.

This day was a relaxing one. I went and saw a local author at the library. I saw my person and had a lovely conversation standing in the rain. I came home and started reading my newly purchased book, took a nap and went to the local coffee shop and wrote for a while in my journal.

Life is good, it could be better. It could also be worse. I am thankful for each and everything that happens in life. It teaches you something.Maybe I should take longer or more frequent naps on this day that never seems to end. So with that I bid you all good night. I feel, hopefully,  a long, deep nap creeping upon me!!!

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