Yesterday I told you how I wasn’t feeling well. Wonder Woman finally turned in her golden lasso, jumped into her invisible jet and flew home, exchanged her corset for her granny gown. She had thrown in the proverbial towel and decided she was sick.
When I got home, I camped out on my couch, wrapped up in my sick quilt. As I lay there, I thought about a number of things. My person mostly!!! Hoping I had not given him something to make him sick.
I left the TV off and darkened the room as much as I could at 3 in the afternoon. For the first time in a long time I realized that I was falling asleep. I run until I exhaust myself and when I hit the bed, I am down for the count. I don’t remember the feeling of going to sleep very often.
The breathing slowed, the eyelids got heavy, when blinking, the eyes wouldn’t open as far when the re-opened. I was actually aware that I was going to sleep. I listened to my heartbeat, as I was getting it in stereo. Not only was my heart beating but my head was beating in time.
At one point I was aware that we only have a limited number of heartbeats. We are allotted a certain number. No matter how much modern technology improves the quality of our lives, we will at some point leave this physical house we live in. It is inevitable. We are not meant to be here forever.
My dad who is somewhat on the introverted side, meaning he see more than you know, thinks more than he says, finds it hard to express his feelings (he will never tell me he loves me first, I have to say it and he says it back quickly and quietly, as if almost hoping I don’t hear it), he prefers to spend a great deal of his time alone and he is very blunt!! You would never know it when he is out in public. He laughs loudly like me and he jokes with people he is comfortable with but like me, he is going to be on the sidelines of big events watching, observing and listening.
When my husband was making his transition, this was his words of wisdom to, in his way, prepare me for what was coming. “The human body is like a car. The heart is like the motor. When the motor goes. That car isn’t going to move anymore.” At the time that seemed harsh. I understand what he was saying. He is right. He was talking to me in terms that we both can understand, (as I am kind of a gear head). I told him that I understood what he was saying. I did. It didn’t make it easier but I did understand.
The question I pose to myself as well as you, we don’t know when that last heart be will come. This could be our last one, we could have a million more. That is not our call. What are we doing with those heart beats. As a chronic worrier, how many of my heart beats have been spent worrying about something I can not change? How many do I want to enjoy? How many do I want to spend loving? How many do I want to spend laughing and being happy? How many do I have left??? How many have I literally wasted away??
How do you want to spend your heartbeats??? Remember, you are a limited edition. There will not always be replacement parts.