When you are learning to fly, sometimes you hit wind currents that stagger you . I have hit one of these the last couple of days.
Saturday was my great nieces 4th birthday party. She had a balloon that got away from her. One of her sisters said you just sent a balloon to (insert my late husbands name here) in Heaven. The older girls knew him but she was only 9 months old when he made his transition. You could tell that she wasn’t sure who they were talking about. Then she said “who?”
It is one of those blurred line moments in life. How can I explain to her what a great man he was and how that he loved her so very much in the small amount of time he knew her. He only got to hold her twice. That I feel he is looking down to see her grow. She is 4. She won’t get it.
It is painful for me because I want the world to know how blessed I was to love and be loved by this tenderhearted, caring man. Being married to him, made me the person I am today. He had so much patience with me and he loved me for the person I was. He proved to me that I was worthy to be loved and he thought that I could do anything and I wasn’t to settle for less than giving it my all. I want the world to know this and I can’t explain it to her.
How do I tell this 4 year old that I follow her around and learn from her? How I have tried to adopt her carefree attitude and zest for life. How being just exactly who you are is good enough. How that when she wants something she just comes right out and says it, she doesn’t know how to drop hints or beat around the bush. How do I explain to her that I learn from her on a regular basis??? Remember she is 4 and I’m 46 and I am learning from her.
So after the party, I went and sat on my tomb stone. My mom thinks it is terrible that I sit on it. My response is ….I sit on my side. I paid for it. I might as well enjoy it while I can.
I don’t go there as much as I used to. I have someone else in my life now that I share my stuff with. Someone who is there to listen and to gently guide me when I have a decision to make. To challenge me to grow in different directions. They allow me to form my own decisions while being a sounding board. We interact differently than what I am used to but this is, after all, a different chapter in my life.
I am thankful for both these men who saw/see a value in me that sometimes I can’t see in myself. I have often said I don’t know what my husband saw in me. I still don’t know the answer to that one.
I have just hit another bump in the road. Another blurred line, I will ponder on it, I will work through this as I have other things and I will recenter myself. I will be fine. I will figure out the best way to tell his story to her when the time is right.
Until then, I have to be patient with myself and hope others understand that if you loved the person in chapter one, truly loved them, they will always be part of who you are.