Do you ever have those days when you want to move to a deserted island and change your name to Engelbert, simply because you have heard your name so much.
Well that was my day today. Used to I had a sounding board waiting for me to come home and tell him about my day, Now it is just an empty house when I get home. There is nobody there to ask me how my day was or to greet me with a kiss. It is space. It is home again but it is not HOME!! It is my home not our home
I have had to learn how to adjust. I go take photos. long rides, just get in the car and go until you can’t cry, cuss or think anymore. Today was a photography day for sure. My best friend made a suggestion that I go somewhere and relax and breathe after she called me and I told her a little about my day.
I try to do my best for everyone in my life. My work, my church, my family, my friends…..until I am at the point where I am like okay sister, you need to slow down just a little. You need to take some you time and let your mind rest.
Sleep does not come easily to me. When it does, I dream about those things that I desire. I have to exhaust myself in every way just to rest. To allow my brain to shut down and defrag.
This evening, as I was taking photos of one of the most amazing sunsets I have ever seen, I was praying about if I should start a social media page for my photography. At that point, the muses, the angels, that still small voice in your spirit, whatever you want to call it, told me to look up. I saw a cloud in the shape of a dove and there was a heart in it’s wing. I looked down at one of the two rings that I wear, this is one of the last gifts that my late husband picked out for me, it has these words on it “Faith, Hope, Peace and Love”, peace was staring me right in the face. It is time!!
I have kept that part of me hidden away long enough. God didn’t give me a talent for me to keep it to myself. He didn’t you either. Whatever your talent is, do it boldly and proudly and to the best of your ability.
So while I was taking the photos, (my person and my best friend probably shouldn’t read this part), I was laying in the middle of the highway. The thought ran through my mind after such a stressful day…. “I bet this is how roadkill feels.” Lifeless, laying in the middle of the road. Well of course I laughed at myself.
I got some amazing shot out of the deal. I made peace with something I had been fighting against. I had cried until I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. I found out after I got home and looked at the photos I had taken that I was wrong. So I cried some more. That is okay.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I never cry. I carry things so long that the tear at my soul. I may look rough as a cob, but deep down, I am a very sensitive person. Putting my photos out there in a public venue, nerve wrecking to say the least, but it is time.
Can you tell I am trying to assure myself that it a good thing. That I should not get up in the middle of the night and check on it. My images are like my kids. I want them to be treated kindly and loved. They are part of me. Part of my soul. They are hopefully in some form or fashion that thing that will remind the world that I was here and hopefully of some redeeming value.
So finally, the roadkill got up off the highway, got in the car, set up the page, edited some photos and now has brain dumped on you all.
Life really isn’t so bad, I just have to remember that I am one person. I am doing the best I can. I put too much pressure on myself and I need to relax and breathe. As I am reminded very often. I need to speak my mind more often and stop letting things get to me but if I do, there is no shame in tears, it just means you have a tender heart that has been strong for too long.
I’ll let you know when I get that last one worked out……don’t sit by the computer waiting for that though, you might be sitting there a while.