Honestly, I don’t know how to begin this post. I have to tell a couple of things before getting to why this is important.
I have an 8 year old great niece,who is very much like me. We hang out as much as we can. She is a pretty cool little gal, I wrote earlier how she ran into some problems at school and when she panics she runs. I thought that was the one thing that separated us until now. I will explain later in this post.
The other day I thought I had lost my camera It rides in the shotgun seat in my car religiously. So, when I put it in the back of my car with my journal so I could utilize them later, after my walk, I forgot that I had moved them, When I could not find my camera I lost it, I was opening and closing car doors and running around the car like a mad woman. Praying that no one had stolen it.
Those were the two thing I needed for the back story of my life for the last couple of days. Few people have the ability to SCARE me. I mean in the pit of my stomach scare me. Like everybody else, I have been through stuff that has made me see what is truly important in life and what is senseless bull crap.
Having lived through loss through death, the thing that scares me most is losing someone else from my life that I love. No matter how I lose them. We all have our tells, those little things that say all is not well in our world. They are the physical twitches, ticks or scowls that show up. I’m sure some of those have reared their heads in the last couple of days.
My person and I were talking the other day and he made a comment that mentally sent me running around the car opening and closing the door in a frantic manner. I hoped when he said it my physical tells didn’t show. I have three. I won’t say what they are.
The thoughts of losing him from my life, well I have prayed that I been taken off this planet before he is. I know I don’t control that so let’s just say I put in a request.
The comment was about him moving.It was a backhanded couple of comments that just made me think he might be thinking about it. Like I said, I went into coping mode. My emotional tells, well they are pretty obvious to the people in my circle. My rule is that if something is worrying you, you walk it out, work it out and write it out. One of my physical tells is that I go mute. I don’t say much at all. I turn inward. I deal with it in my way. I have a friend who when I go mute, he gets scared and makes me talk about it.
So, the day it was said was my last post. I got in my car and I drove. 125 miles I drove. This is my way of running. My great niece is 8. She ran her way, I ran mine. I walked that trial which lead to a cool destination. Yesterday , I worked. I worked hard. I worked at my first job went and took photos at a soccer game, came home mowed my yard, was raking my yard when the call came that an employee at job 2 was sick and could I fill in. So I worked there. This step was necessary.
The writing part never came. Or at least not in my journal yet. I came home for the night and I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. The tears came. I had to use up everything I had to allow myself to feel the fear of another loss in my life. I laid on my couch and I cried like a baby. I was finally at the point where my brain said listen, you have worn me out carrying this around along with all the other stuff I have to deal with. You just need to feel how you are feeling. You are human and allowed to feel fear, sorrow, happiness, joy, You ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL. You are not a robot You are human.
The fact that you fear losing this person from your life means one thing. They matter to you. You love them. You do not fear losing that which you do not love. You fear losing what you DO love. It is okay.
In the past choking my feelings back has been bad for my health and I have learned to process things more efficiently. It is perfectly okay to feel.. Don’t get into the place that where you are laying on your couch on your couch crying, I should have told him that it scares me. I should have used my words. I should have grabbed him by his face and said, I don’t ever want to lose you. You are one of my forever people. Instead, I had to keep it buried in me until I made myself deal with it. Note to self….stop that!!!