The last couple of days have been semi-tortuous for me. I do not like mundane tasks at this point in my life. What I am doing right now, I am not loving. My job usually involves a lot of movement and switching from one task to the other. Switching tasks is good for me mentally and moving around is good for me physically.
So, sitting in one spot for 8 hours a day. It is to say the least taxing on me. I have been in a zombie like state for the last two days. My appetite is not what is normally is because I am not expending the energy to burn the calories. I am at the point where I am just like “Hey, how ya doin’? ” when I see someone I would normally have a long conversation with. They know something is up when that happens. I want to go places where I feel peaceful, just to breathe.
When I sit too much, I think to much. When I think too much, I go to everything I might have done wrong, ever. I think about the what if’s, I think about the never will be, I think and here it is, I am going to admit it, I over think.
I listen to music and I wish, I dream, I wonder. If it is a song that brings back a memory, I will shed tears. If it is a song that makes me think of my person, I will smile or see his face and wish.
There are fewer sad tears now. I used to long to sit in that corner. Away from everyone else. I could cry and nobody would see me. Now, I am happy again. It has been a rough road but happiness has returned. I have someone so patient with me, who believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. They have allowed me to take my time and fumble my way through this new path that I am on. I am still fumbling.
He feeds my dreams. He challenges me to be better and to do better So yes, I am happy again. I am active, I am so much more patient that I ever thought I could be, I am learning as I go. Some days try that theory more than others. Yesterday was that day.
The other night I was talking about how I had struggled with survivors guilt. You are still here but that person you longed to protect, physically, is not here anymore. You did everything you could. You were their voice when they couldn’t speak for themselves. You feel like you failed. You have no control over it. I am not God. I don’t decide who lives and who dies. Yet, you wonder if there was something else, just that one thing you could have done differently. You feel guilty. One day you realize you didn’t cry as much. Another day you realize that you didn’t cry all day.
I remember the day that I admitted to myself and to my person that I was happy again. I felt guilty that I was happy. Isn’t it our God given right to be happy??
If you have not reached the point where you are happy, it will come. Maybe not the same way happiness came back into my life however, when it does, don’t be upset with yourself for being happy.
I don’t cry myself to sleep at night anymore. I don’t wake up from a sleep of sheer exhaustion with swollen eyes because I was carrying such an emotionally heavy load.
There is so much life to be lived. So much to see, so much to do, so much love to give and receive. I am not into the mundane. I want to live my life while I can. I could be gone tomorrow, None of us know when our time will come. That is why I want to live, laugh and love as much as I can. It is my way to tell the world and those I love most that I was here. Some day I too will be a memory and dang it, I want to be a good one!!!