Looking From The Inside Out…..

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I want something. It is a garment. It is not meant for my “body type”. Every photo you see of this garment, does not have someone my size in it. I am not going to say what “it” is. 

I want to make this garment. They make them my size. I could have ordered it and nobody would have known. Instead, I am asking for help to learn how to  sew it. 

The body type issue is most certainly coming to the forefront of my mind. I struggle with it. These are not seeds I planted. Others planted them in me during my formative years. I will say that I allowed them to grow …”She’s got a pretty face but…..”, “You would be so pretty, if you would just loose a little weight”, even since my husband passed away, I have had adults come up to me and say, “You’ve lost enough weight now, you should be able to find you a man”.  I should have removed those weeds that were choking my growth.

In high school, I was put down for being the fat girl. I was made fun of, people were downright cruel at times. I recently confronted one of the people who made my life miserable back then. I carry no hatred toward them. I didn’t do it to hurt them, I did it as kindly as I could.  I did it for me, I did it for that girl. For that girl who walked around with her head down, hoping not to be noticed. That girl who learned that if she made fun of it first, if she was the first to point out the fact that she was fat, then people would be laughing with her and not at her. Although inside, she was dying a little bit every day. 

Society has the conception that if you are overweight, you are fat, ugly, dumb and lazy. Well, I am here to tell you, I am still overweight, not like I have been in the past, but I am far from ugly, dumb and lazy. I hold myself to a higher standard, I expect more from me than I do from those around me. I will do what people say I can’t do, just to prove that I can. Lazy is not even in my vocabulary, anymore. I will admit that at one point in my life. I was as lazy as they come. It was not due to the fact that I was overweight, I just didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was happy sitting and reading, playing video games, and being married. 

When someone came along who thought I was beautiful in every way, he tried everyday to help me see it. When I would walk into the room, everyone else disappeared. Did he succeed??? He tried for 18 and 1/2 years….he tried!!I I don’t know, maybe he gave the confidence to be okay when someone comes along that thinks I am beautiful to not brush it off. It is not something I hear a great deal. It was probably one of those things in life that you take for granted.

When that was taken away, I just started walking. I would walk from the time I got off work until dark. Just to fill hours. Then better things came into my life. I met new, amazing people. I am learning new things. I am discovering who the girl behind society’s  broken looking glass is. She is someone who can inflate her own lawn mower tire and start her own weed eater. She likes classic cars and romance novels and she can wear cowboy boots and jeans or frilly things . She is a photographer, she is a blogger, she is a maker she is a Christian, a friend, aunt, sister, daughter. She is so very much more than what people see. 

I want to be considered beautiful. What woman doesn’t honestly??? You  can say what you want but when you get to the heart of the matter, you want to be beautiful to someone somewhere. That is okay. We all have a desire to be desired. We are  after all human. 

I will add this to the previous statement….yes I want to be beautiful, but I want to be smart, kindhearted, ambitious, and thoughtful so much more. When you have these in your life, your beauty will shine through. The chick from high school will come back and visit from time to time, acknowledge that she suffered, thank her for being a strong as she was, she did endure. Tell her you learned from her and your desire is that  when you see young ladies downing themselves, that you can tell them about her and ask them to be kinder to themselves than  you were to her. 

So back to how this rambling post started….yes I want to make something. Yes, it is to make me feel pretty and/or sexy. It is for me and for that girl who would have never been brave enough to even think about wearing something like that. 

You know, looking at the photo above, the art piece is perfectly fine. If I had gone inside, I would have gotten a perfect photo. Since I wasn’t  willing to look inside, maybe my point of view was off. Or maybe, I was CHOSEN  to see it in this manner to remind myself and you that maybe it is not my perspective that is off, maybe it is those who look at me but don’t SEE or take the time to get to know me. Cause when you get to know me, I’m one pretty awesome chick!!!

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