So the last few days I have not been myself. I was dealing with stuff The physical stuff brought out some emotional stuff that I had buried deep inside myself. At the time I didn’t have time to deal with it, later it was too painful to deal with.
I was to a degree, angry. Not with the person but with the situation. I learned long ago however that life is not fair. I had never admitted this anger to anyone until today. Hurt and anger will eat you alive. They are as crippling as grief and fear.
It took a very interesting young lady walking into my life yesterday for me to see this She is very much like me.She is short like me, she doesn’t have the best body image, like me. She can laugh and have a good time, like me. She can be a little bit of a wise guy, like me. She was telling me her story and she was talking about her uncle who had passed away four years ago. She started to cry and I could see she was fighting back tears. She didn’t want to cry in front of someone she just met. Been there and done that myself. I looked at her and said “It really is okay to cry. That means you care.”
Wait a minute….hold the phone….I have been running hard and fast for 3 days trying to avoid what I didn’t want to deal with. It hurts. Why do I have to do this now?? This was almost four years ago. Shouldn’t I be over it by now??? Nope!! Why?? Because I care.
Today was one of those days when I had a great deal to do at work. Finally, I got to a place where I was so mentally exhausted that I looked at my boss and said I just need to go breathe.
So, I went to a spot where I felt safe, I sat down and I cried like a baby. I allowed myself to finally feel all the hurt, the pain and yes, the anger that had been buried so deeply inside me that I actually didn’t realize it was there.
I finally felt what I never allowed myself to feel, because there was no way to go back and change it. There is no do over. This was one of those growing moments in life and growing pains hurt.
So no matter what you are facing, don’t carry the load so long that you let it break you. Find your place, sit down and have a good cry. Yes, your eyes will be red and your nose will be puffy, but I promise you, you will feel better.