When you live alone, you are responsible for everything. The laundry, the yard work, the bills, the housework, cooking, dishes, on and on and on. When you have been used to having help for many years, you get slightly overwhelmed.
Today, is “my day off”, from my regular job. I say that because, things aren’t getting any cheaper and you gotta make money to fund the fun stuff you like to do, Photography is not a cheap venture. “Painting”, it is in quotes because I try, requires canvases, paint and brushes. I am currently attempting to paint an abstract photo I posted earlier. So, I work two jobs.
So, this is my day off. I log on to social media to see what the rest of the world is into. I send my morning messages. There is one person, I want to know they are the first person on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind and in my heart at night. The name is the last sound I utter every night.
Then I get to work… I switch a load of laundry washed a day or so ago to the dryer. I put a new load in the washing machine. I am transferring photos from memory cards to my external hard drive, I am listening to some cds found in storage to see if they are keepers or if I can use them in a project. I am going through stuff from storage. All this while keeping an eye on the clock because another friend who sell cosmetics wants to do a make-over on me at 10:00 am and take some pics to put in her professional portfolio. And I have to be at my part time job at 2:00. Yeah, right, a day off!!!
I am thinking about the people in my life. My person, hoping he slept well last night, my best friend, whose grandmother is sick, wondering if all is well there. These are the people who make it possible for me to make it through the tough times. They make me laugh, the allow me to be myself and I want all to be as right with their world as possible. These are the people I love.
Did I mention I was going through stuff?? There came a point where my home became a hospital. Things had to be removed to make room for lift chairs, wheel chairs, potty chairs, to make sure he could maneuver through the house and not injure himself. He was a fall risk due to the brain tumors. So “stuff” went into storage. The plan at one point was to bring a hospital bed in,that never happened. . The arrangements were made but there was an episode where the brain tumors were pressing and he became violent with me. It was the only fight we EVER had and it was not a fight with him, it was a fight with cancer. I don’t talk about this, ever, because, it hurts too badly. After he got the pressure off the brain his first concern was if he had hurt me. I assured him that he hadn’t.
At this point, we were 6 months from the end. The doctors would not allow him to come back home because: a) he could do it again, and injure me. They couldn’t know if it would happen again or not. b) I was so exhausted at that point, the doctors told me if I didn’t get some help, I might actually get to the cemetery before he did. It was actually a gift. It allowed me to feel what I was feeling as his wife, while someone else took care of his daily needs.
So the stuff has been in storage for around 4 years. After his transition, the “hospital” stuff went in storage with the other stuff. Now, I have decided to deal with the stuff. Some things were easy. Clothes and housewares, local thrift store. Done! Starting to go through the personal things, easy enough. Not needed it in 4 years, probably not going to NEED it now. Then there is the hospital stuff. I am thinking the local hospice.May need my dad to make that delivery for me. It is one of those things you don’t want to deal with. You don’t want to look at that stuff again. It only brings back bad memories. You don’t want to remember and you can’t forget.
Why now??? Well a couple of reasons. First, economics. Storage is not cheap. More importantly, It is time for it to be dealt with. I am moving forward (not on), when you move on you choose to leave someone behind . Moving forward, you are living your new normal. This is doing new things, loving new people, learning new things, taking chances, going on adventures you would have never be brave enough to do before. It’s just time. You can’t reach for new things with your hands full of yesterday’s junk. That what stuff is…..It is just that stuff. It is not who he was. It s not his heart, mind or soul. It is not that person I loved in Chapter One. It is the possessions he was allowed to use while he was here. He don’t need them any more and neither do I.
Well, the dryer has stopped, the washer has stopped, the CD has stopped, time to “enjoy” my “day off” and continue with my chores and going through stuff!!!