Golden

Golden Serene

It is an interesting time in my family this week. We have a birthday coming up for one of my great nieces, relatives are invading from the east and the west, and my parents are celebrating their golden anniversary. 

None of the things are connected. The relatives just chose this week to visit their roots, some of them are coming in for their business, That is a touchy subject with me so I will leave it alone. The birthday is important to me This great niece is my “Mini Me”. So, it is very important. 

The major thing weighing on my mind is my parents 50th wedding anniversary. I haven’t told anyone, not my person, not the best friend, not the family but as happy as I am for them, it makes me sad and maybe a little jealous of them. 

I will never have that “Golden” moment. I am 46 now. Even should I some day remarry , I will probably never see 50 years married to the same person. That is another thing that cancer took from me. We were going to renew our vows on our 20th anniversary and we didn’t even get that. 

The day of my 20th wedding anniversary, I spent alone. I went riding on a scenic highway, did some hiking and took photos. That was almost 2 years ago. As I was hiking that day, I went up a mountain. Our wedding anniversary would have been in October, so it wasn’t cold but there was an autumn nip in the air.

As, I climbed this mountain, there was a change in elevation that was slightly more than noticeable for an over 40, over weight woman. At one point I stopped, there was a warm wind that blew right around my body. Like a hug. It is the normal that the higher the elevation, the cooler the wind. This was not the case that day. 

I don’t say a lot about the things going on  in my mind until the time is right. So, I sit alone and keep my hands and my mind busy. If I don’t dwell on what might was, what might have been, I find I enjoy and treasure what I currently have. 

No, I will not have a 50th wedding anniversary. I do have God’s blessings upon my life. Here are some examples…I do have people in my world that make look forward to waking up. I do have a person to make my heart smile. I have a best friend to laugh and be stupid  with. I have a family that loves or maybe some who tolerate me.  I have my photography. I have something new to learn in every day.Hopefully, I have something to share with others that I have learned along the way. 

I can sit around and cry , as I did last night and yes as I have been writing this post or I can choose to be happy with the blessings I have in my life now. I was truly blessed to be loved, totally and completely in my life. Some people never get that. We were married for 18 and 1/2 years and I had more love in that time than some people will get in 50 years. 

So, if you have lost that someone in your life. Don’t be afraid to keep on living. Find new people to love. It is a chance you take. You will face fears that look as big as bears. Face them anyway. Fear is a shadow. Shadows look much bigger and much darker than the object casting the shadow.

 I have let fear rule my life for the major portion of my 46 years. I have been so unsure of myself, I have let other people make me feel badly about myself and allowed the words and actions of others to skew my view of myself, that for all my married life, my husband tried to convenience me that he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world in his eyes. He thought I could do anything, There was nothing I couldn’t do. Did he succeed? Well, let’s just say he tried until his dying breath 

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