I am one of those “piss ant” people. I run as hard as I can for as long as I can. I try to do for everyone else before I do for myself. Some may say this is the right thing to do, some would say this is counter productive, I say this is how I am wired.
Being raised the way I was, you work hard , pray harder, put other people before yourself. So I work. I work 2 jobs, I am trying to start a business and I am tired. I keep my mind busy. I try to be thankful for who and what I have in my life.
I know when I am almost at the point where I am ready to throw my hands up and give up. When you have tried all you can and you don’t seem to be making any progress (although others see you are and tell you that you are), sometimes you need to see it for yourself.
Yesterday was one of those days when I was slightly more than overwhelmed. Word vomit (you know, when you start talking or typing and can’t shut up), that is usually the first sign that I have carried something building up inside me for way too long. Did that. The need to isolate from the world and hide in my blanket fort. Another good sign.
When I see these things happening, I go to water. I will soak in a long bath, listen to the sound of rain, I am doing that as I write this post, or go to a body of water near my home and just listen. There is something about the sound of water that is peaceful to my soul.
In chapter one of my life, I lived with a river literally running through my back yard for the first 8 years of my married life. I never went down to that river. I would sit in my apartment with my husband watching TV or playing video games or cleaning. I never enjoyed what was in my own back yard. Now, in Chapter 2, I will drive 20 miles to go and sit by a river, that I enjoy immeasurably just to hear the sound of water.
Yesterday, after I word vomited on my person, I knew it was time for some me time. When I am exhausted, I over think everything, I get very emotional, and I prepare myself for the crash that is coming. So I went to water. And I walked for about an hour.
The river I go to is fed by a near by stream. I love the river but honestly I think the stream fascinates me more. I walked yesterday just listening to it. The different sounds it makes as it twists and turns. As it cascades over rocks and falls. It is amazing how many different sounds water makes when it is moving. I looked at it and watched the bends and twists and how that it went from one side of the road crossing underneath the pavement and earth beneath my feet to transition to the other side of the road.
It just flowed. It didn’t resist. There was no reason for it to resist where it was being moved. It had a job to do. It had to feed the river or else the river would dry up. It was doing what it was supposed to do. It was going with the flow. It was the flow. If it were not there, the river would not need to be.
It is all connected, we are all connected. Life would never be the same if we didn’t exist. Kind of like in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I have often wondered what the world would be like if there had been no me. Would it better or worse?? I don’t have an answer for that. I just know that I am here for a reason and a purpose, even if I don’t see it at times. And like that winding little stream, I am just along for the ride. I can try to resist the changes that come in my life or I can just go with the flow!!!