This is starting out as one of those untitled posts. There is a great deal going through my mind and life is either feast or famine for me. I either have nothing to do or I am going full on. Lately I have been going full on.
My jewelry business is suddenly going gang busters. I got accepted into a gallery, I have gotten two commission pieces, I have several pieces that have been purchased and just need to be picked up.
As someone who gets easily overwhelmed, it is scary, that is the best word I can think of.
This is when I turn inside and I don’t talk so much. I am trying to figure it out. I don’t want to come off as bitchy, I am not, I just get my mind on something and until I get it worked through, I just kind of don’t talk.
At times like this, my person, my best friend and my mom are the ones I talk to about what I am thinking. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know. My person rescued me from myself today. My best friend has come to my rescue at least three times this week. My mom made sure I was fed a good home cooked meal last night.
When I get in this place, I forget to take care of basic things. This weeks crisis, I thought I had another week to pay my car insurance which would put me into my next payday. Wrong, so I had to suck it up and pay it, hindering any merry making this weekend. I really need to do better about those things that sneak up on me.
When I get in this place I write in my two sets of books. One is for my reality; the other my fantasy.
The reality, is I can’t do this. All my insecurities that I don’t talk about out loud are written in this book. It is those things that I hide from everyone else.
In the fantasy though, I am a whole different person. I am sure and confident. I am sexy and alluring. I am uninhibited. I allow those passions that I feel for my person to come spilling out of my head and onto paper.
Even he would be very surprised at what lurks within. Those things I don’t say out loud. I keep it hid pretty well. I am not those girls that he looks at. I am clumsy, I am heavier than I would like to be, I am not one of those dainty little things who can wear a bikini.
Although a co-worker and I were talking about her recent beach trip and I made that same comment to her and she said, you see yourself very differently than other people see you. So that spawned me to do something that I have never done. I took a semi clad photo of myself. All the important parts were covered up but there was more skin than I had ever shown in a photo. It was an interesting exercise, it helped me see myself.
I am not those girls that men trip over to be with. I am too sensitive for my own good sometimes. I let worry take over common sense. I would like to be skinnier but genetics, a lifetime of bad habits and age are working against me.
None of the change the fact that I long to be his. I want him to touch my body and me touch him. I want us to know each other fully, in every way.
In my fantasies that happens. He knows all those things that I never speak aloud. He knows what pleases me and I know what pleases him and we allow ourselves explore, titillate and tantalize, without fear or shame.
I could never talk to him about this out loud. In my writings, no one knows I am writing about what I would like to do to and with him.
It is my escape, I allow my sensuality to release for me from my reality.