Life and Fantasy

This is starting out as one of those untitled posts. There is a great deal going through my mind and life is either feast or famine for me.  I either have nothing to do or I am going full on. Lately I have been going full on.

My jewelry business is suddenly going gang busters.  I got accepted into a gallery, I have gotten two commission pieces, I have several pieces that have been purchased and just need to be picked up.

As someone who gets easily overwhelmed, it is scary, that is the best word I can think of.

This is when I turn inside and I don’t talk so much. I am trying to figure it out. I don’t want to come off as bitchy, I am not, I just get my mind on something and until I get it worked through, I just kind of don’t talk.

At times like this, my person, my best friend and my mom are the ones I talk to about what I am thinking. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know. My person rescued me from myself today. My best friend has come to my rescue at least three times this week. My mom made sure I was fed a good home cooked meal last night.

When I get in this place, I forget to take care of basic things. This weeks crisis, I thought I had another week to pay my car insurance which would put me into my next payday. Wrong, so I had to suck it up and pay it, hindering any merry making this weekend. I really need to do better about those things that sneak up on me.

When I get in this place I write in my two sets of books. One is for my reality; the other my fantasy.

The reality, is I can’t do this. All my insecurities that I don’t talk about out loud are written in this book. It is those things that I hide from everyone else.

In the fantasy though, I am a whole different person. I am sure and confident. I am sexy and alluring. I am uninhibited. I allow those passions that I feel for my person to come spilling out of my head and onto paper.

Even he would be very surprised at what lurks within.  Those things I don’t say out loud. I keep it hid pretty well. I am not those girls that he looks at. I am clumsy, I am heavier than I would like to be, I am not one of those dainty little things who can wear a bikini.

Although a co-worker and I were talking about her recent beach trip and I made that same comment to her and she said, you see yourself very differently than other people see you.  So that spawned me to do something that I have never done. I took a semi clad photo of myself. All the important parts were covered up but there was more skin than I had ever shown in a photo.  It was an interesting exercise, it helped me see myself.

I am not those girls that men trip over to be with. I am too sensitive for my own good sometimes. I let worry take over common sense. I would like to be skinnier but genetics, a lifetime of bad habits and age are working against me.

None of the change the fact that I long to be his. I want him to touch my body and me touch him. I want us to know each other fully, in every way.

In my fantasies that happens. He knows all those things that I never speak aloud. He knows what pleases me and I know what pleases him and we allow ourselves explore, titillate and tantalize, without fear or shame.

I could never talk to him about this out loud. In my writings, no one knows I am writing about what I would like to do to and with him.

It is my escape, I allow my sensuality to release for me from my reality.

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Stillness In The Eye of The Storm…

So when I was going through my recent bout of anxiety, I got to the point where all I could do was pray. It wasn’t a pretty prayer. It was me at bottom going God I have no where else to look. I need some answers. I need you to help me with this thing. I need you and I need you now.

God is right on time every time. I listened after I prayed. I was taught a lesson in life. I was taught a lesson in humility. I was reminded of some happy times as a child where I overcame my fears and I was told to reach out to others, which I haven’t done in a while.

God showed me through the art that I do how I am being put through the same fire. It will strengthen me just as it does the glass I work with.

I was reminded that I had always allowed my fear to stand in the way of things and it had cost me hours of fun that once I overcame that it was some of the best times of my childhood.

I was reminded that in times of internal struggle, I should turn outward and present others to the world. Build others up. I have cousins who are photographers and jewelry makers just as I am. My person is an artist, he paints and sculpts and so much more. A friend of mine grows pumpkins, his art is in nature. I have three friends who bake cakes. My sister does floral design. My niece is a cosmetologist, her art is done on the human body.  Instead of waiting for them to promote me which none of them do, promote them, not wanting anything in return, just to be kind. Just to show that talent is all around me. I won’t share everything the post but I will try to help them if I can. There are different types of creativity.

In the middle of the chaos of my own making, I found silence in the eye of the storm. I was made aware of a great deal of things. I have now put them into place. Some don’t and won’t understand it. I have to be okay with that. It is not their life. It is mine. I want us all to win. Simple yet so hard for some to understand.

It’s Time…

So the last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety. I have a friend who is a nurse and I just sat down and had a talk with her.

We talked about a great number of things. She let me talk as she listened. Then she spoke. She kind of hit me where I lived.

She said, we have known each other a while, yet every time we speak, you put that chair between us. You have a wall up.

You want to let someone in, I see the smile when your phone goes off, there is someone. I had to tell her yes. She said but you are afraid to let him. You have had a big hurt. You don’t know how to take the lead. You are afraid that you will get hurt again.

I understand that change is scary for you. The least little thing can set your anxiety off so you keep yourself being this nice brick wall. Maybe it is time to bust down that wall. You are the only one that can do it. You don’t need to be afraid to let people see the soft person behind that strong persona you put off.

You have lived through the worst thing you could live through. Maybe it is time for you to let someone in, completely.

You need to stop holding yourself to the standard that your do. You give everyone else a pass, you accept everyone’s excuses. Yet, you don’t give yourself the same break.

It is time for you to tear down that wall you have been hiding behind. Maybe it it time for you to love again. It really is okay for you to touch someone you love. It sets off endorphins in the brain. That will help make your life so much better.   You don’t need to be so afraid. Everyone needs to touch and it might be as good for him as it is for you.

It gave me a great deal to think about. Yeah, I think it is time to bust through and find out where things could go if I just throw caution to the wind and live for real.

Screw what everyone else thinks. It is after all my life. It is time for me to love and allow myself to be loved, exactly for who I am.

A woman who craves human contact in the most intimate of ways. A woman who wants to be seen as a sexy beast. A woman who is confident enough in herself to wear that corset she longs to own, for him but more for herself. A woman who wants to be fully awake instead of making love to him in my dreams.

Anxiety is a Sneaky Bastard….

If you live with anxiety, you know that it is more than worry. If you don’t, please allow me to educate you.

Anxiety is a physical, mental and emotional reaction to outside stimuli. (disclaimer…not a physiologist, just a human).

The thing you have been longing for happens and you are excited beyond belief until…..It sneaks up on you.  You are okay with failure because you are used to it but now it is happening and you are on sensory overload.

For me it begins physically. Last night, I thought it was a hot flash, as I laid in bed and chewed my lip raw trying not to cry, wanting to run at 2 am, thinking of all the what ifs, you try to stifle the scream building up inside you.

You wake up and even the smell of your coffee makes you sick.  You try your best to be excited or at least normal. Then you find someone you think will understand and the word vomit begins.

Things don’t always work out as planned. Your silent pleads for understanding are not heard. You need to tell someone yet you struggle to find the words to make them understand the storm going on inside you and you become more anxious until you are in tears.

Your head is telling you to stop. You heart is begging you not to let them see. Yet you can not stop. They roll down your cheeks as you try to control the sob rising up in your throat.

The more you speak the deeper you dig the  hole until you see no way out, so you stop talking.

You suck it up and deal with it the best way you can, on your own. You use those coping skills you have learned. For me when it gets awful, I need touch. I have to have a stress ball, play dough, something that is forgiving to work with. Sometimes, I need to feel the bark of a tree, moss, something created by someone bigger than me.

People don’t understand that you really have no control over it. You really try to, but you don’t. You cope.

The best comparison I can think of is my aunt. She is totally blind. She has been for years. You can’t tell someone with anxiety to stop worrying any more than you can tell her to see. She has eyes. Her eyes are open, she is coping with her blindness but she can’t see like we do. She uses her hands to “see”. Telling people with anxiety to stop worrying is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell them until you are blue in the face and it won’t change a thing.

Shadow Dweller…..

I feel right now like a shadow dweller. That people are aware I exist but I am not seen. As a matter of fact, one of my profile photos on social media was changed to a black and white photo because I feel like my color is fading.

As I sit alone tonight, I feel unseen and unheard. I am a shadow.

I know the why. I have to make some changes. I have to be aware that I will never be good enough, no matter what I do.

It will be fine. Shadows dissipate. They slowly disappear. They disappear when the light shines through. Someday, I will be seen and heard. I hold out this hope, although at this time, it seems rather hopeless.

I will cry in my shadow space, where no one sees. It brings comfort to shed those heart tears in the dark, nobody can see how you hurt. No one can harm you when you linger in the shadows.

Look Deeply and you will see….

No one knows everything about me. Something’s are all mine. There are thoughts I have and feelings that I feel that others don’t need to know.

Sometimes you need to keep those things to yourself.  It is not that you are being secretive, it is that you need to reveal those when the time is right. Until that time, you just enjoy that which resides inside.

If you want to figure me out, you could probably follow the trail of breadcrumbs that I leave. I hold this part of myself inside because I feel like if you want to know me fully, you will put forth the effort to look deep inside and see what is there.

The Twenty Bite Diet…

I have become somewhat complacent. I am not getting enough exercise. I am not eating right. I am not sleeping as well as I should. I have a great deal on my mind that I am keeping bottled up because at times I feel like a shadow. I am here but not here.

I am going to correct those things. I started today. I took a photo of myself in a semi-dressed stated. That is my starting point. I want to look back at it as the beginning of this part of my journey.

I am going to walk more when I get off work. I am going to come into the office when I am not able to sleep at night and use the exercise equipment provided for us.

I am going to drink more water than sodas or tea.

I am going to put myself on a twenty bite diet. Every meal, all I allow myself is 20 bites. If the meal doesn’t last twenty bites, I am done. If it is more than 20 bites, I stop at 20.

If I lose weight, that’s cool. I just want to feel better. I want to look better, for me.

I will be 50 soon, I work night shift on an alternating schedule. It is time for me to take care of me.